Reader Response: Exhibitionism

The question and response seems to be working out. All sorts of emails pouring in and all sorts of conversations are being had. Today's question comes from Justin:

Have you ever messed around in public?

Unless you count sex on the hood of a car...off a secluded country road...in the middle of an open field...under a full moon...public, then no, no I haven't. That isn't to say that I wouldn't want to. I think the idea of being caught makes me turned on and the idea of being so bold and not waiting to a safer place is also hott.

I've heard my fair share of public sex stories though. Someone I know once had sex in the baptismal water at their church. I've heard school bus stories and back stacks of the library stories but I don't have any of my own to share. I do however think that it would be super hott to sexy grind on the dance floor at a bar and proceed to be sexy ravaged in the bathroom. You know...like right out of a movie or something.

The White Elephant in the Room: I Masturbate

Being my normal bookworm self, I was reading a book Hooking Up (there are plenty, I don't recommend this one) and it was talking about how humiliated the author was about saying she masturbated and I realized holy shit, this is a real problem. I used to be the same exact same way.

What happened? What changed? What makes it so easy for me to say:

I masturbate!

Generally speaking, its kind of expected for guys to masturbate but girls its an interesting thing. For one, there are SO MANY toys that we have to choose from. Bullets, rabbits, and silicone; and it can all be very overwhelming. Not to mention men totally spank the nanky to videos of girls masturbating. But yet it still is a little shocking when girls admit to twiddling themselves. 

Get over it, dudes. 

Girls, grow some ovaries and admit to it!

It doesn't matter what your reason or what your style (toys are a must for me, before you ask), just accept that masturbation is part of a healthy sex life/drive. I will use this time to say that I often masturbate to make myself get tired enough to go to sleep. Very rarely Never does masturbating help calm my sexytime nerves but I will certainly put it to the test if I can't get up with a partner. Those are really my only two reasons unless you count the occasional sexting session or phone sex. At which point, yes, I really am touching myself. 

Should I share my self-discovery story? Should I tell you that there was a boy I was totally crushing on in high school that kept encouraging me and "tutoring" me? It is totally true. He and I would play a game of "Truth" over ICQ and it was just an excuse to get turned on. It took me a long time to really even begin to touch myself and would be even longer before I bought my first vibrator which would lead to my first orgasm. But through him, I was encouraged to be intimate with myself. Explore my body. I went through a "what does this feel like inside me" phase. In college, I went through a "I have alone time, I must masturbate" phase. Now, I'm a sexed up woman who can't always call up her partners and literally takes matters into her own hands. 

And that's okay. I won't deny it. I'm old enough, horny enough, and sexy enough to admit this. 

If you've never tried masturbating and have questions about toys, use the box on the sidebar and ask. I would be happy to share the details. If you're nervous to try, do it in a clean environment, try letting your hands roam in the shower. And if you're in a relationship, don't worry masturbating isn't cheating and mutual masturbation is a totally acceptable form of foreplay. 

Now I want you to share your secrets with me. Leave me a comment and share your self discovery story. Share your style. 

Braving the Waters: Trying Something New

It's totally alright for me to admit that I am 27 years old and I am coming into my own sexuality and I really have just embraced that I have a vulgar disposition and love to talk about raunchy things and be perverse and breakdown the barriers of talking about sex!

And I couldn't be having more fun doing it. Because you guys have been so great in accepting my weird and personal stories. You've had so much support to offer each other and such wonderful compliments.

But let me tell you what still gets to me. The fact that people want to hear about the intimate details of my sex life. It is an erotic feeling to just hang my dirty laundry in the front yard for everyone to see. So I will share something extremely intimate. Provocative and terrifying at the same time.

I had to try something new. 

Are you let down? Was that not the awesome thing you were expecting? Let me assure you that trying something new with a new partner can be humiliating. It can go disastrously wrong and it takes a hell of a lot of ovaries (or balls if you're so penisishly inclined) to fucking go for it. Usually, it is always going to be worth it even if you don't like it. If you don't enjoy it, now you know.

Let me set the scenario for you. You've been scrolling some PornHub or YouPorn when you come across a whole new idea that you have never seen. Before you realize it you're watching the whole sub-genre and can't contain your loins. Then comes the "WTF? What is this I don't even..." moment. Then comes the realization that you're really into it.

I've been here. I've been in that exact same spot.

My fetish? Pegging.

Go ahead. Blush. I am. I'm laying this bare so you can see how we have all truly been there. But if you're thinking that I am going to tell you I have tried pegging...not quite. But baby steps.

I finally have found a partner in [The Guy] that has green-lighted anal play. I've been intrigued by this but when it came up, I turned weird shades of red and hid my face because it was hard to look at him in that moment. In a moment that wasn't for him but put me in a place where I was ready to crawl into a ball and felt like the virgin I kind of was. Did I mention I wanted to curl up into a ball?

Here I was being all sexy and shit and being enticed to try something new and was terrified. Terrified of hurting him, terrified of being terrible, but so turned on.

Do you want to know the key factor in the ultimate success of trying something new? Communication.

In the middle of everything, I stopped, took a breath and asked him if he was comfortable being my guinea pig. Yeah, I said guinea pig in bed. Big deal. I told him I was nervous and scared and totally new. His response was exactly what it should have been. Supportive and guiding and ultimately led to a great experience for the both of us.

When it is all said and done, I think we all have to tell ourselves "Hell yeah, just go for it" and do it. If you're thirsty for new experiences remember you can only go so long without something to drink.

For your further benefit, I found this video about milking the prostate. Here. Laugh.

Guest Post: Boobs McGee & Why I'm Sorry I Waited to Have Sex

Part of my reason for asking to guest post on this blog is that I am a feminist, and I believe in women’s empowerment in every area of life. I see conservatives’ push for so many abortion bills as an attempt to control women’s sexual behavior. If we are not empowered enough to talk about sex, how can we be empowered enough to have control over our sexual lives? How can we determine which are truths and which are lies if we do not discuss sex and sexual behavior? How can we fight for our sexual freedom if we do not discuss our bodies and our emotions about sex?

I was 25 years old when I lost my virginity. In the years since, I’ve come to regret my decision to wait. Here’s why:

 

1) The idea that women are somehow damaged after they have lost their virginity is ridiculous. My virginity and my ability to bear children are not the sum of my worth.  I am not dirty or sullied if I am not a virgin. I am not worth less or less able to bear children.

2) It will never be as magical as the books and movies make it out to be. Sex is awkward, sometimes funny, can be slightly messy, and at times, painful. It also takes practice to get the right parts in the right place and in most cases to be any good at it! It is the job of romance writers to make sex a fantasy. They wouldn’t stay in business if they didn’t dangle that carrot.

3) The older you are, the more of a big deal it becomes. It gets blown way out of proportion. If you are anything like me, you daydream about how it might be. In my experience, anticipation is often worse than the event itself. Waiting creates more anxiety, and can result in sexual hangups.

4) I wasted a lot of the time I could have been having great sex. Having ANY sex would have been better than none.

5) I was always told the lie that it would somehow diminish me if I were to share my body with someone else. I supposedly gave away a little piece of my soul every time I allowed someone else in my body. Pff! The only thing I share during sex is some bodily fluids and pleasure. My soul is intact, and it is mine. I regret none of my sexual partners.

*Caveat: This was the lie my church told me. It was the case across several different denominations. I have since then left the church and come to the conclusion that they are totally mistaken, especially in a sexual context.

6) Marriage does not automatically make you sexually compatible with your partner. Marriage does not automatically make sex good. I can’t even imagine what the sex would be like between two virgins. Would they even know how to get to a point where it would be good? I would guess that sexual issues is amongst the reasons that couples cite when getting a divorce.

 

I’m not advocating that you go out and lose your virginity as young as possible. I think having sex the first time is for women as bad as waiting! You shouldn’t be satisfied by teenage groping. You deserve someone thoughtful, slow, and experienced for your first time, not a randy, quick-at-the-trigger teenage boy.

Sincerely, 

Boobs McGee 

Reader Response: My Orgasms

So I added this really cool gadget thing on the sidebar (see it there on the right?) that says you can totally ask me any question you want. Its going to get delivered to me and you can be totally anonymous if you want. Then, I'm going to be awesome and I'm going to answer those questions. Because that is what this fucking blog is about! Talking about this stuff!

You might even find this may not even be empowering so much as personal and naughty and sexy and any other adjective I could come up with to talk about sex. But I got a question pretty much immediately after adding the feature so yay!

Today's question comes from Brittany:

I admire you tremendously for posting about such a personal subject. When you first learned that you had primal orgasms, was it with a partner or self-exploration? I'm just so fascinated by your orgasms and how intense they are. Are you able to explain more on how your body reacts with such an intense orgasm?

The easy answer is that I had my first orgasms by myself. I didn't really have partners who really knew what they were doing until I went into college so it fell to me to handle it. I never really thought anything of it though until I was put on display with a partner for the first time.

When I had my first "walk-of-shame" is when I really began to shy away from them and feel a little more self-conscious about them.

And just like I mentioned in the post, with new partners its always a little intimidating but when they come back to me and tell me how hot it was, they can see that they were the reason for it so it is a win-win. It is really painful for me to try to be quiet. I can do it but nothing is as freeing as being as loud as my body (my soul) needs to be.

My Body | My Temple

This is hands down the hardest thing to overcome because no one can do it but you. Anyone can tell you're beautiful (you are, by the way) but only you can believe it.

It is no big secret that I am a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW for you fetishists in the making). I'm 5'11 and somewhere on the spectrum towards the 300 lbs end (Holy Shit! I just put that out there!). I struggle with a lot of things when it comes to my appearance. I have had a terrible complexion all my life. I wear glasses. I have stick-straight, thin hair. And I am sure I could keep going on and on about the things I know are wrong with my body compared to society's view of beauty. And ya know what, it took a lot of time and a lot of bad days to look at my body and feel sexy.

But I did it.

I'm not going to pretend that it was easy. I'm not going to pretend that when I looked in the mirror while hugging [The Guy] naked, my appearance didn't catch me a little off guard. But those moments, are quick and fleeting before I really see me again and think something along the lines of "Oh yeah, I'm smokin' hott". I want you to be there, too. I want you to see how beautiful you are; I want this for everyone.

Let me share with you some things that I found helped me. I hope it does some good.

Look at your body!
Really look at it and do it often. Stand in front of a mirror and take it all in. It might be uncomfortable but don't cover yourself from your own eyes. You know what you are on the inside, see it and know the outside.

Sleep naked and touch your body!
You need to feel comfortable without your clothes, without that barrier between your body and someone's eyes. And when you touch your body, learn the way it feels. Know the way it feels under your hands. Know the places you want your partner to touch.

Be a selfie whore!
It is the only way I ever got used to all of me. Yes, there are going to be bad pictures but there are also going to be great ones. This helps you play with angles and lighting and really learn to capture a sexy you that you are willing to put out there for others to enjoy.

Wear a Shirt of Confidence!
Your hottest outfit should be your own skin!

You don't have to be a rockstar who puts her not-porn-but-sexy photos out there for the world to see, but I will tell you you deserve to do that if you want to. You deserve the right to feel that sexy. Because we all do.

Fearing the Freak Inside: It's Okay to be a Fetishist

This world is full of all sorts of devilishly sinful ideas, feelings, and people. Hell, you keep cmoing back to read my blog and I cover pretty much the whole spectrum here. I'm breaking all the rules by pouring my sex life out onto the internet (it's in the name of good journalism!). So if I put all that here for you to read, you can only imagine what might actually be going on inside my brain or panties at any given time.

But sometimes, I even catch myself off guard when I find something new that turns me on. As it happens, I usually stumbled across it in porn or some Literotica story so it is pretty easy to realize that I am not the only person who has ever thought this.

#Bootfetish 

Being comfortable with sharing it is a different story. It is probably easier for me to get around because I am generally only attracted to other fetishists. Someone who can live by my general mantra:

Beat me, bite me, make me bleed, kinky sex is all I need.

It is really hard for me to imagine ever going back to a missionary only style relationship. Or ending up in a no-foreplay scenario all the time. Sometimes its a sort-of-have-to-fuck-now situation, we're all been there. But most of the time, I'm going to want to touch and bite and explore. I'm going to want my partner to do the same thing.

I usually like to test the waters with the simple things like BDSM. If they can't at least handle a little biting and some handcuffs, we're probably not going to work out. I know me. These days, my dominating side is kind of slithering out more and more and if he can't handle a forceful woman, there is plenty of time to turn back. 

But we all have to accept and understand that not every partner will be into every fetish. It isn't about that. It is about exploring and trying and really understanding that there are times someone has to be willing to remove the boundaries. Sometimes, that even means we have to sacrifice a little (but never who we are). But if I'm going to fuck someone, I'm going to bite them. Sorry, not sorry.

Over-cum My Fears

I admit defeat that the pun in this title is absolutely abhorrent. But I had to have something that got the point across. Something that says people have things about sex that make them nervous, that keep them from being confident in bed and you have to figure out what those are to work on them.

Let's face it. I Have turned into someone who just puts her sex life out on the line like a lady dons a hat for the Kentucky Derby. I don't have any problem talking about the things that make me one of two things:

Naïve or Hott

You have to take the good with the bad.

It is at this point I hate my soul because [The Guy] has me thinking YOLO might actually have merit. And I kind of feel the need to use it in this context. We are all going to have bad sex. We are all going to have good sex. But it requires you to make a sort of sacrifice. You have to give your trust to your partner and you have to put down your inhibitions so that the both of enjoy yourselves.

So to make this transition a little easier, I thought it would be helpful to share my biggest fears that I have since overcome. And instead of rambling, you'll get some serious insight into my psyche over the next few days!

The first fear/lack of confidence was over:

My Orgasms

So this is OBVIOUSLY something that is the goal whenever you're doing something sexual. There are other things and I am realistic enough to know it doesn't happen every time but I digress. It is still important.

When I first found out what an orgasm really was (you should feel sorry for my first boyfriend, poor guy) I was quite easily enthralled by the feeling. However, at this point I had seen enough to porn to know that I didn't really do what happened in the movies. When I started having orgasms from other people (gasp!) it got really interesting and pretty embarrassing really quickly.

I thought that girls were supposed to shriek loudly, squint their eyes and curl their toes. That is not what happens to me. Not at all. I'm all primal. And very loud. That was a really intimidating thing for me to talk about and left me with the feeling of the "walk of shame" all the time. But then I started to branch out. I had more partners and lots more sex and something happened.

Partners (not just full sex partners) were asking me "Do you always cum that hard?" And all I could say was yes and watch the lust grow in their eyes. In that moment, I realized people were turned on by that! What?! People were totally digging my animalistic climaxes. And now that is all I can think about. Suddenly, its all I want for my partners, [The Guy] or otherwise, to watch my face in the throws of every passionate moment I am having.

Okay, so maybe I didn't have to do much on my own about this particular fear but it was a hurdle nonetheless. There is going to be a time when you find the partner who absolutely digs everything about you. And until you do, you have to feel comfortable in them. If you're not and you're worrying about it, then you're not having fun. If you're not having fun, what is the point in having sex?

Introverted Contradiction

Even the snarkiest bitches can honestly have trouble talking to people. The place that I find myself these days is just a walking contradiction of my closeted self on the front lines of battle with the known self. The extrovert vs. the introvert.

The Extrovert
I want to do ALL THE THINGS! Somewhere inside me, in the place the sun never touches, I have developed a thirst to try new experiences. Its always been there, but it hasn't always been as obvious as it is now. Its pretty much at the level I imagine a boy with a raging boner in the middle of class is at: fucking obvious. And it is totally clashing with everything that has previously been my "nature". Damn, I know people change but it is like I don't know where the old me ends and the new Leila beings.  Old me is (read: always has been)...

The Introvert
I mean up until very recently, I would have even identified as shy. It seems it is not so much shy as it is a form of social anxiety and claustrophobia of large crowds. I have to be able to admit this if I am ever going to overcome it and I don't want to be held back by panic attacks and quiet attitudes. Hell, my attitude is anything but quiet these days. And that is what is resulting in...

The Battle
Fuck! I really just want to ask a boy out without having 4+ drafted text messages. I should just be able to say "Hey, lets hang out" but that just isn't happening. It's more like Hi, I have some free time  Hey, I would really like to  Hey, wanna hang and the list just goes on!

Dammit what is so hard about the chick asking the dick to hang? So what if it is to hang out with his wang out? It doesn't matter, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

And to top it off, I'm not a loner party and that means that my extrovert is at a severe disadvantage when trying to raise its pretty head.

Which leaves me thinking: How do I fix this fucking problem? I'm sick of living my life by labels that don't define me anymore. We really all need to fight against labels and take charge of the lives we want to live.

And that time is now.

Girls Get Laid Too

So something pretty awesome has happened since I cooked up this blog and wrote What I Learned from Sex on the First Date...people fucking read my blog! I mean that posted pretty much did exactly what I wanted it to do; it opened up the floor and people were finally able to talk about sexuality. Wow! Holy smokes you guys are awesome.

Not only did you read what sassy things I had to say but you wanted to talk about it! That's pretty rad. I think you like this side of me, if I do say so myself.

I even had to discuss the hard questions. A lady-friend asked me a legitimate question that really deserves some attention. How was I so confident about my sex life and sleeping with [The Guy]? She said she had been there and she always felt a little closed off and remorseful about it.

And that is a problem.

Our society is so ass-backwards that sometimes it can be hard to see which path is shittier. Every turn our lives take, some egotistical bastard is going to be on the other end of that road waiting to wave his fat finger of death in your face and call you a slut. In a "sex sells" society, we are still very limited and its hard to explore and love our sexuality and be proud of that side.

That is not okay.

I know that it is easy to put baby in a corner and think that you were seduced or that he manipulated you into bed and you fell for it like the sucker you think you are but stop that! There are two scenarios here that you have to embrace: 1) You liked it, don't diminish that feeling. 2) So he ended up being a dillweed and its a mistake that you will always have. People make mistakes all the time because that is part of life.

I know that not every sexytime story has a happy ending (see what I did there?) but society does enough slut-shaming for us, there is no need to do it to yourself. Don't see it as guys vs. girls. Just know that people use people for sex and generally girls need to get laid too. Besides, in Ovid's Metamorphoses the Greeks divined that girls get NINE TIMES as much pleasure from sex as men. Revel in that and rock that snatch!

You're sexy...you know it...now show it.

The Sass is Strong with This One

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Okay so yesterday I wrote this really sassy article about What I Learned from Sex on the First Date. I mean I just let go all the things and sassed that stuff up. And you know what, people loved that shit. The page views through one post on a never heard of blog put all the other things to shame.

But then I thought about it...

I really fucking enjoyed writing that piece. I wrote what came to mind and I wrote what I felt (in my heart, between my legs, just wherever) and I just let my wild sassy side come out. What a freeing experience. Seriously.

So I wonder if that is what we all need? Sometimes, do we just need a place to be who we are and put ourselves out there and be sassy, and be the wise-ass, and just say whatever we want and I think its about time that is wildly acceptable. So I don't think that this is going to be a rare thing. I think I am going to use and abuse this blog and make it my little Z-snapping bitch fest.

Because I'm a girl. Because I am a woman. Because I am a sexed up female. Because I am a tattooed hot-rod. Because dammit, I'm awesome and its time the world knows.

What I Learned from Sex on the First Date

We are all grown up to know that not every date we go on is going to be exactly the same. Some are going to make for great stories because you had to tell the guy your lips weren't chew toys. Some are going to end after one coffee and an awkward handshake. Some will end in explosive orgasms and that is that.

Now whether or not those orgasms come from sex is entirely up to you and the person lucky enough to be spending time with you. You have to admit, you're pretty awesome. But even if it doesn't end in sex, sometimes a grown up just needs to give in to the raging whore-moans and live.

That is exactly what I did.

And I lived on those orgasms for hours.

And when they were gone, I realized the intensity of my situation. I had done the unthinkable...the girl who saved her virginity for 19 years had her pants seduced off and fell right into bed on a first date. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now sometimes you wonder, who reads this, and if he is reading this, its even better. A distinct feeling returns to my loins to think he knows he did a good job.

But this sex...this sex above all the sex I have had, taught me things about myself.

1) #Bootfetish

Who knew I would ever feel as sexy wearing a pair of calf-high boots. The sheer amount of sex appeal that was dropping off me in those boots that elongated my legs and gave me that Mistress feeling was out of this world. It was over 9-fucking-thousand!

The days following this, I wore my boots and my self esteem was through the roof. I also went on boots craze on instagram, sharing the sexy through the inter-nether.

2) I'm Not Shy

Through some pretty stellar conversation, I come to the conclusion that I'm not a shy person. I'm quiet until I know you. It is like innocent until proven guilty but with different repercussions.

The defining moment is when the conversation revealed that shy people don't want attention. I am a mild attention whore. I don't want to be the center of attention but I definitely want some of it. I am loud and I want my opinions heard and I want to be listened to. Believe me, some things were not things someone shy does the first time with a new partner. I mean, whoa!

3) Sex Does NOT Make You Fall in Love

Alright, it isn't like we didn't know this before but really, sex doesn't make you fall in love with someone. It can deepen a connection and it can do all these things to enhance your feelings but I don't just bang someone, roll over for cuddles, look up and think, "Wow, I love you". It is just not a thing that happens.

Girls are capable of just sex. Maybe it is guys that have the problem?

4) Sex Appeal Comes from You

You can have the body of some mythical greek goddess, I certainly don't, but without knowing you are sexy, you just aren't going to be that awesome. I have grown to love my body and love the way it feels and love the way other people feel against it and I know that and I flaunt it.

Finding the right water with a new partner is a little weird and could put you in an awkward spot but when you hit it, feel it and let it consume you. You are sexy and you are about to get laid.

And alright, alright, last one...

5) Sometimes Ya Gotta Do What Ya Gotta Do

I'm a girl who lives with her emotions on her skin and just listens to them at every call. I also know that when I masturbate, it doesn't calm down any sexy nerves, I will still be as horny as a rowdy cowgirl at a rodeo. There was a point break with him where I was so fucking flabbergasted by how hott he was that unless I wanted to spend the next week wet and rowdy, I had to be a "responsible-irresponsible" adult. And so I did.  Best decision ever.