Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Introverted Contradiction

Even the snarkiest bitches can honestly have trouble talking to people. The place that I find myself these days is just a walking contradiction of my closeted self on the front lines of battle with the known self. The extrovert vs. the introvert.

The Extrovert
I want to do ALL THE THINGS! Somewhere inside me, in the place the sun never touches, I have developed a thirst to try new experiences. Its always been there, but it hasn't always been as obvious as it is now. Its pretty much at the level I imagine a boy with a raging boner in the middle of class is at: fucking obvious. And it is totally clashing with everything that has previously been my "nature". Damn, I know people change but it is like I don't know where the old me ends and the new Leila beings.  Old me is (read: always has been)...

The Introvert
I mean up until very recently, I would have even identified as shy. It seems it is not so much shy as it is a form of social anxiety and claustrophobia of large crowds. I have to be able to admit this if I am ever going to overcome it and I don't want to be held back by panic attacks and quiet attitudes. Hell, my attitude is anything but quiet these days. And that is what is resulting in...

The Battle
Fuck! I really just want to ask a boy out without having 4+ drafted text messages. I should just be able to say "Hey, lets hang out" but that just isn't happening. It's more like Hi, I have some free time  Hey, I would really like to  Hey, wanna hang and the list just goes on!

Dammit what is so hard about the chick asking the dick to hang? So what if it is to hang out with his wang out? It doesn't matter, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

And to top it off, I'm not a loner party and that means that my extrovert is at a severe disadvantage when trying to raise its pretty head.

Which leaves me thinking: How do I fix this fucking problem? I'm sick of living my life by labels that don't define me anymore. We really all need to fight against labels and take charge of the lives we want to live.

And that time is now.


  1. Like you, I have that social anxiety and fear of large crowds in real life, but I am trying to ease things by at least knowing a few people that are a part of the crowd. At least then, I don't feel as out of place and awkward as I have been in previous social situations in the past.

    For me, it's all about acceptance and trust on many levels for me. I know after the break-up of my first relationship last year, it's really gotten me thinking outside the box on how I can get past this, and do something outside of that 'safe area' I seem to dwell in so much.

    It's taken a good long while for my self-confidence to boost, and it may still not be all the way there...but nothing was done by standing still. I've got to ut myself out there, because if I won't, then nothing's ever going to change.

    All in all, another great thought-provoking post. :)

  2. Totally no way to fix it! Just be you, accept yourself in all your glorious awkwardness, it's the human condition to not be perfect. Then again, you're perfect just the way you are. <3