You Watched the Movie

So you watched 50 Shades of Grey and now you're curious? You've read the blog and you're curious? Or you really just have been curious from the beginning and you were too afraid to ask? That's okay. It happens. A lot of people are too afraid to admit their curiousity and are willing to jump in without realizing there is a right way and a wrong way.

I don't have any commentary on this movie other than the fact that the movie BDSM isn't BDSM. You can get hurt. What we do, what I allow others to do, is dangerous. And while it will continue to be dangerous there are things you can do to do it safer.

I'm a leader of a Bottoms group for my local scene and I just helped to plan and host a Bottoms event at the local sex shop. So here are the highlights that you need to know if you want to try and play safe!

Use wrist cuffs
I know that most people think of "adding a little spice" by throwing in being tied to the bed post or throwing on a pair of handcuffs. Don't. For one, furry handcuffs...cliche. They also don't generally fit girls with bigger wrists, they're too tight. Silk ties that are self-cinching? Don't use those either.

Your median nerve that runs up the side of your wrist and down your thumb, can be in major danger with both of those. Yeah, I know from experience. I still can't feel a spot on my thumb. If you're new to BDSM and you don't know what to feel, chances are your top is new and doesn't know how to check in. If you feel tingling or coldness in your fingers, there is a problem.

Where to hit
Your body can be a whipping a post. That doesn't mean it has free reign. While it may be obvious that the butt is the best place to spank a naughty bottom, there are places to stay away from. Stay away from whipping or beating both kidneys and the spine; you need those to live. As far as the front goes, stay away from the collar bone up. Just ya know, common sense.

Safe Words
Don't you dare say you don't have limits! You do. It is okay if you don't know them but you have them. Using a safe word doesn't invalidate your experience or your time together but it may save your life.

Aftercare
You're going to need to take care of yourself. Generally you should have a bag of things ready, particularly, if like me, you don't play at home for whatever reason. I keep a blanket, a first aid kit, water, and my favorite Altoids handy. The candy helps the sugar drop, always stay hydrated, and the blanket helps with the fact that you're body might actually be in a stage of shock. It helps to stay warm and cuddled with the person who just beat the shit out of you.

Warning: The most sadistic tops can be the most cuddliest cuddlers.

And if you have questions...ask them. I want to tell you the answers so bad I can taste it.

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If Two is a Party...

They say three is a crowd but I'm going to go out on a limb here and just disagree with that statement. And yes, this is going exactly where you think it is going.

Because threesomes rock.

In the time that I took off and was having all that wild, whore-like sex in December, a lot of it was new experiences that I had never had before. I learned some awesome things about how polyamorous couples work, the dynamic in threesomes, and just how well boner performance pills actually work.

The sex was quite literally the best of my life. It isn't just another notch on the bedpost or simply worth bragging about. A lot of people want to know how it happened. Well, much like everything of a semi-sexual nature it just did. It just happened.

I fell into the stereotypical bisexual girl situation. You know, the one where everyone thinks that just because you might not be completely straight that you want to join in on their couple action? Yeah. It was me and a married couple. Again, it just sort of happened.

I know a lot of people thought that there would be some big elaborate scheme cooked up here. Something exciting like joining the Swingers Lifestyle (which I did do) and went to some wild get-together house orgy or something and we ended up together (which I didn't do). That's what most people think of. But it started with a simple, "Hey, would you like someone to come get you off?" and permission from the lady part of the equation.

Who turns down something like that!

Two days later the three of us were in a BDSM scene. Naked, bruised, but quite open for anything to happen I was told to "Climb on" and I did. Then I asked to kiss her, too. And for the next 6 hours, it was nothing less than an amazing BDSM fuckfest.

But the thing to remember is that I didn't approach one or the other about any of this. I was told I was attractive and invited to have sex with him. I refused until I spoke directly to her. Before it was a threesome and she was watching me have sex with her husband, she was giving me explicit permission. Drama isn't something that I'm into. It doesn't get me off to be your dirty secret or anything like that.

So yeah, threesomes can just happen. They can just happen to you, too. But if you drop the ball on communicating what it is you want, it is your dick on the chopping block.

Binary Sexuality? Screw that!

In the old days, the middle ages, the days gone by, the times before now, people didn't really realize the spectrum that is sexuality. They couldn't understand how the brain worked and you were simply gay or straight.

Maybe a little crooked but that was for those shady folks you had to watch out for.

But as time went on and people thought the sexual psyche was worth looking into, out came the LGB...pun intended. Heaven forbid you like both!

As we become a more sophisticated society even that changes and who the hell cares about acronyms when you just keep adding letters... LGBTQIAAP.

But I'm here to make that even more complicated. Because I've given some serious thought to my own sexuality and I don't like that sexuality has to encompass both my idea of love and attraction. I'm weird. I always have been; so why should this be any different?

I want to seriously complicate this idea of sexuality and binary systems. I want to just be me. Every weird yet wonderful fucking thing about me.

I'm pansexual.

But that word belongs to me. It means something specific to me. It is tempered with my propensity for and lean towards hetero-romanticism. But don't argue that I'm not pan enough for you. Or I'm not straight enough for you. It isn't for you.

It is for me.

The Art & My Lack Thereof of Self-Seduction

It is no big secret that I currently sell sex toys for a living. I like the opportunity that it affords me to find things that might help people get their rocks off. The one thing that I have come to realize is that people want to know what you like; what gets you off. Maybe they think they're doing it wrong. Maybe they only want to talk to someone who fucking gets it.

But you know my secret? I suck at masturbating.

I've been asked to masturbate on camera, send pictures, etc. but I always say no. Because watching grass grow is going to be more exciting than watching me masturbate. I can promise you that.

I don't like to seduce myself. My body doesn't react to my touch the way it will to someone else. I can't touch my ears and make my whole body tingle. I can't light my nipples on fire with my tongue. I've never once been able to convince myself to get off with my fingers. What I like...and what I need...is for my masturbation sessions to be over quickly. 20 seconds is fine for me.

I can still recommend you the best realistic dildo there is, but stop asking which one I would use. If I am going to use a realistic dildo, it is going to be a real fucking penis attached to a living breathing person. Otherwise, sorry boys but penises aren't that pretty.

I can still tell you which rabbit is going to be the best, do the most, and have the best quality but I don't like them and I won't use them. As a sidenote, the beaded ones freak me out.

But if you want a good clit toy, oh girl, I've got you. My clit toys are all valued somewhere over $300 if you totaled them all up. And they're all different. Because when I am by myself, and it is just me, that is really all that matters. I like to lay there with the vibrations literally in hand, watch porn or read a story, get off, and sleep. That is what I want.

I'm not sorry that isn't sexy enough for you.

Didn't I Say Crushes Aren't for Me?

So I haven't said much since I decided to be all bold and shit about being in like with [Lex Luthor]. I mean frankly, what else is there to say on the matter? Not much. But you see, I have been busy being a whiny bitch about whether or not he is thinking about me, what did the other night mean for him, etc. I have gotten on my own last damn nerves; I'm sorry if you're in my immediate vicinity and have to put up with me.

Now that I said that...

It doesn't get the rest of you off the hook.

There are lots of people who talk to me on the daily and read this blog; single people, poly couples, open couples, gay couples, kinksters, etc. That means that you guys, some of you, understand. So here I am. Looking to you for advice. It has been a long damn time since I've not known what to do.

This "crush" or whatever you might prefer to call it has resulted in a self-induced dry spell. There are definitely people that I want to bang, but none of them hold a candle to my interest in him. None of them are fulfilling what I want right now.

And I don't like that.

All because my brain decided to produce an inordinate amount of dopamine for this boy, I have made an ass out of myself by wearing my heart on my sleeve and I haven't had sex in almost two months.

Can you turn these off in your brain? Can you consciously say stop thinking about it (because really that just makes you think about thinking about him)?

I would like for this message from our sponsor to be over so I can return to my regular scheduled programming (until, if ever, he's ready)...if you catch my drift.

Crushes & Why They're Not For Me

I recently read a blog post about crushes that happened to mesh pretty fucking well with thoughts that were already inside this pretty little mind of mine. If by mesh you mean I think that it is totally wrong and I can completely explain why.

The post was about crushes. You know why they're called crushes? Because when they don't work out, your heart is crushed. It is ashes. Mother fucking crumpled and pitiful ashes.  The author of the post says that they believe in the obligation-free crush.

My crush is my own. It's nice if we share a mutual attraction, but even if you show no interest in my pudding-like physical form, I will still hang out with you. This isn't a contract where I will only do nice things for you unless you promise to smooch the hell out of me; no, we are friends, and while my friendship may be laced with a bit of intoxication over the idea of smooching you, I value your actual presence over my daydreams.

This, I can say, is true.

If you truly have the obligation-free crush, this isn't going anywhere. Even the revelation of a mutual attraction may not necessarily lead to hot bedside smoochenatings, as all mature adults understand that "Attraction does not equal automatic coupling." I'm attracted to any number of people who, in a vacuum, would probably warm my nethers...

Alright, this is not true...for me. Actually, it is this point right here that has me so discombobulated over the whole situation that I can't even see crooked because the world is spinning.

First, let me say I prefer to call it like over a crush. Okay, I like  someone. I am in like with someone. I had crushes in fifth grade. Now it is a little more serious.

But I would rather not like anyone. I don't want to be in like. I don't like being in like. It is scary.

I get attracted to a lot of people. Male or female. I can want to fuck as many people as I can handle but that is where I like for it to stay. It is easier for me. Easier for me than what happens when I like someone. In fact, it is such a big deal that I haven't actually liked anyone for nearly 8 years. Not like this. Not in a way that he feels so wonderfully inviting, safe, and like home but these emotions feel dangerous. I feel vulnerable.

I don't like it.

In fact, I can't fucking stand it.

Crushes hurt. Liking people hurts. It isn't beautiful and hopeful like "love". It is raw, confusing, and uncertain. It is a bunch of "Are they thinking about me?" and "Goddamit, I can't stop thinking about them!" with some "Should I look nice? Should I shave my legs? Is this enough cleavage?" thrown in just for added insecurity.

But I will take it all. Because I don't have a choice in the matter.

I know you're probably not reading this, but [Lex Luthor], I like you.

Deadly Sins

I don't know if ti was the years of barely orgasms, the beaten confidence, or the constant thoughts that if I pleased him it would make him want me, but time has turned me into a flawed lover.

This isn't about the skeletons in my closet because they're no fun. This is about my overwhelming desire and craving for pleasure to belong to me. A deep, intimate acknowledgement of my greed and selfishness as a lover.

None of us are perfect. Sorry to break that news to you.

But part of owning yourself, being confident, and loving your own sexuality is acknowledging that small truth.

Strive to be awesome, not perfect.

I've grown fond of the idea that my first time with  a partner needs to be about me. If you want me to be with you 100% I need to gauge you in my own way. How do you respect a simple request? How do you feel about a woman who knows what she wants? Are you just in this for the quickest lay? These are all hints and ideas that I pick up from having my partners please me for the first time.

It also serves to make me very comfortable with a partner once they've seen, tasted, and prodded my body and they want to come back. In that weird, symbiotic way, it makes me a better lover, too.

But that is not the only way I'm selfish (or flawed). You see, I'm also severely undisciplined. In the throws of pleasure and ecstasy, I am very erratic. I get over eager sometimes. Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I am in real pain. Sometimes I can't stand or see straight.

That is when my partner gets the short end of the stick. And I am sorry for it. You did well but please help me. This is the moment where trust is built. Where the vulnerable reaches out and you lay the foundation for this thing between us. I don't want to keep taking from you but I will keep asking. Because after 20 years, I finally give a damn about myself.

Image Credit: Dahlig

Life is Balance

There is never a way to get out of the inevitable balance that is life. Life is beautiful, you know I think that but sometimes it's just a bitch. I mean it. One minute you're enjoying yourself and in the very next breath you find yourself in the middle of a tornadic shit storm.

If I am honest, I am exaggerating a little bit, but it is how I feel. 

I'm in the middle of something I was afraid to feel. I'm in the middle of a sub drop.

A sub drop is (and its equally opposite top drop but I can't talk about that) when the all the endorphins that are pumping through your body through and after a scene bottom out and dissipate. It is an emotional and a physical state stress.

After a weekend of fun, scenes, friends, booze, and sex I feel empty. I don't like it. I don't want this. I want to bask in after glows and happiness. Instead of that, at 2AM I'm asking someone what the hell is happening to me.

There are a lot reactions that each individual could feel from bitchy, needy, whiny, lonely, etc. What I feel or more prominently when the drop first occurred I was very scared, reclusive, confused and I didn't want to be touched. I was unsure of everything about myself. It is a very ugly place to be.

And also extremely apologetic. I felt like I corrupted the world and it was all my fault.

Aftercare, which isn't something I have really talked about, can help curb this and help bring you down safely but it isn't a foolproof resolve. I will write about that too, but the cosmos had to fucking know about the ugly side of this. The part that says everything is in fucking a balance and just to get over it.

Also, writing helped. So there is that.

I've Slept with Fat Guys: A Snarky Rant

Yesterday I linked an article on Facebook that was about dating and the effort boys put should put into something when a girl's heart is on the line. But that isn't what this is about. Oh no. That article stirred up a conversation that infuriated me.

Someone commented and said that if I want a guy to buy me a beer, I should "look for the fattest guy at the bar" and I will find all the perfect, chivalrous traits in a guy who would want to buy me "10 beers and ask for nothing in return".

Not only did he generalize that all fat guys are nice guys but he just accused me of being shallow. Slow down puppy, you don't know me. In my experience, I have met assholes, nice guys, and creepers in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

But when it concerns who I date, who I love, and who I fuck it comes down to chemistry and interest. You're wrong if you think I only go for hot bad boys. Get over yourself.

I fuck fat guys, skinny guys, bald guys, hairy guys, geeky guys, smart guys, country guys, tall guys, short guys, submissive guys, dominant guys, quiet guys, loud guys, gingers, high school dropouts, guys with small penises, guys with big penises, older guys and younger guys. Girls could even make this list.

I'm pretty indiscriminate.

And I won't just gloss someone accusing me of otherwise.

The Internet is for Porn

At some point in the relatively recent past, I mentioned that I watched porn. I watch a fair amount of porn although the amount of erotic literature that I have read is astronomical in comparison. But we're talking the hot, the steamy, the staged...porn. 

There is no fucking shame in a woman watching and getting off to porn!

There. I said it. Now you can toss your opinions around about it all you want. The porn industry has always been a source of problems. People claiming that women are objectified or that it is immoral. Hey guess what, women humans are always going to be objectified. The industry today is full of gorgeous, willing participants that enjoy sex and enjoy the ability to escape into a role and perform.

I've even made some.

No you can't find it on the internet. No you can't watch it. No I won't share.

But there is nothing immoral about porn. People have sex, get over it.

Some people, like me, like to watch people have sex. I particularly like to watch women get eaten out, that is why I watch a lot of lesbian porn. But porn gets to fuel my imagination. If I have thought about, there is probably a porn for it. On any random day I may be in the mood for speculum porn, femdom, for incest porn, for brutal gang-bangs or prison porn. Most days I am in the mood for pegging porn. I'm a naughty bitch when it comes to what I watch.

And that's okay. 

I feel like I should also mention that I don't own a porn collection. I (literally) have the internet at my fingertips and... PornHub: there's an app for that.

Reader Response: Big Beautiful Women

I love talking to the you guys. You have some of the most thought provoking ideas and the conversations just blossom. They lead to questions and then you and I keep coming back to each other.

Today's question is from such a conversation that I had with a friend and reader:

I don't like the pluz-size girl fetish. If someone likes me, I don't want it do be because of my weight but because of me. What are your thoughts on being a BBW?

Well, I know that I am a big and beautiful woman and after 20-something years, I am okay with that. I am okay with my body and I am okay with its flaws. With that said, I'm also okay with the BBW fetish. At least we're out of the cushion for the pushin' phase of this fetish.

That doesn't mean that there isn't a right way and a wrong way to handle it.

WRONG: Hey, you're hott. I only fuck fat chicks, they turn me on.

RIGHT: Please, don't worry about your weight; I think you are absolutely stunning/beautiful/etc.

For the record, I have BnT fetishes. Big and Tall or Bearded and Tattooed, take your pick. 

I think that in the end, we all want to be able to say that the physical aspects of someone don't matter that it is what is on the inside that counts but it isn't always like that. Certain physical features of people turn us on or off and we have to accept that about ourselves and others.

And, come on. That picture is a BBW-half-naked-librarian. I couldn't resist.

Image credit: nlforum.net

Guest Post: Friendzoned? Why Not FWB-Zoned?

Sometimes FWB relationships can be tricky. It can be a thin line between FWB and something awkward. Here are some tips for making the best out of your FWB relationship:

1) Be safe

I can’t say this enough. BE SAFE. This covers physical safety, emotional safety, and sexual safety. Use a condom. Ask if your FWB has been tested. If you are meeting someone for the first time, say from a dating site or possibly Craigslist, meet in public. Don’t just meet in public, let someone know where you are going. Make sure they know when you are supposed to be back as well. You don’t have to tell them that you’re going to meet a hookup, just that you’re meeting a friend. If you feel it’s necessary, have them call you at a pre-arranged time. I am not saying that you should be scared or that it isn’t safe. It’s just better to take precautions. Don’t hook up with someone who makes you uncomfortable, who demeans you, or in any way is anything less than a friend. And by friend, I don’t mean frenemies.

2) Clearly define parameters and boundaries

Communication is key. Think of it like a safe word. What are you and aren’t you willing to do? Speak up if you feel like your FWB is getting more emotionally entangled than you’re comfortable with. If you don’t feel comfortable having that person over to your place, let them know. If all these things are upfront, it’s so much easier to know where you stand with your FWB. You know what you can and can’t do.

3) Do NOT get emotional

Fastest way to ruin a FWB relationship is to decide that you want your FWB to be your girlfriend/boyfriend. I think that girls are more prone to that than guys, but it happens both ways. If you think you are starting to fall for the other person, back off. Take some time apart. See some other people. Evaluate how much time you’re spending with your FWB. I’ve not had it happen, but I’m sure that it is possible for a FWB to turn into a dating relationship.

4) Friendship first

I can say that I’ve successfully had a few FWB relationships. The number one predictor of good FWB relationships for me has been friendship. If you find someone you are comfortable talking to, you’re going to be comfortable telling them what you like in bed. The more you can talk about that, the better the sex is going to be.

5) No drama

No jealousy. No freaking out if he/she doesn’t immediately text or call back. Remember that this is a relationship without commitment. Don’t be clingy, and don’t expect something that the other person might or might not be willing to give. Don’t show up at the other person’s house. Don’t stalk them, don’t friend them on Facebook. Don’t put yourself in a situation where things become uncomfortable for one or both people. The ideal in the situation is to still be friends in the end, after all the bedding has been done.

6) Have fun

Why do it if you aren’t having fun? Sex is fun. Good sex is better.

7) What happens in bed stays in bed

Don’t tell everyone about your FWB. It doesn’t have to be a big secret, but it’s classier to keep it to a minimum if you’re going to tell anyone. Don’t claim that you’re in a relationship or that it’s complicated on Facebook. Sadly, women who have multiple sex partners can end up being labeled sluts. While there’s a double standard, men can be sluts, too.

8) Be selfish
Part of the point of a FWB relationship is to get sexually satisfied. If your FWB isn’t satisfying you, he or she isn’t meeting your needs. You can either tell them what they need to change to make it happen, or you can say that it’s not working out and part ways.

9) End it with grace

Like many relationships, friendships and love alike, it may be time for your FWB relationship to come to an end. Maybe you’ve met someone you’d like to date. Maybe there aren’t sparks any more. Possibly your schedule becomes busy enough to rule out time for hookups. I can’t emphasize this enough: Be mature about it. Let your FWB know as soon as it happens. Don’t do it by text or email. Don’t do it over the phone. Do it in person. Your FWB deserves that respect.

Likewise, if you’re the one on the receiving end, let it go. There are plenty of people out there looking for a FWB relationship. It’s not worth the drama. Again, the ideal is to end up with someone you’re still friends with in the end.

10) Try something new

If you’ve always wanted to try something new—a position, a fetish, some new lingerie—this is the perfect time to do it. A FWB is for experimenting. A FWB is for perfecting a signature move. With a FWB, anything goes.

Image Credit: WikiHow - Escape the Friendzone

Guest Post: I Put the B in Benefits

Boobs McGee here again, talking about one of my favorite topics: Friends With Benefits (FWB), Fuck Buddies, or any other number of euphemisms. Whatever you call it, it’s an awesome relationship that everyone should have at least once in their life.

Here are 5 Benefits of having a FWB

1) Low stress

Your FWB isn’t a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You don’t have to dress up for him or her. You don’t have to take him or her out to dinner or a movie. You don’t have to do anything with your FWB that you don’t want to.

2) Commitment-free

Want variety? Have two or three FWBs. Have too much on your plate? Skip your weekly tryst. You can give your FWB as much or as little time as you want. Feeling horny? Give ‘em a call. Having a bad day? Call ‘em up for some stress relief. Ready for something new? Try out a new FWB.

3) Spontaneity

With a FWB, you don’t have to schedule ANYthing ahead of time. How much or how little time you spend with your FWB only depends on your schedules. Afternoon delight, anyone?

4) Independence

When I first started dating, cuddling was one of those things I daydreamed about. It was a romantic ideal, and supposedly one of the best things about a relationship. After a few long-term relationships, I’ve come to the conclusion that cuddling isn’t for me. No, I love having a big old bed to myself; no one snoring next to me, no one waking me up in the morning, no one draping themselves over me, pulling off the covers or making me too warm, no one keeping me from sleeping smack dab in the middle if I want. Now that’s luxury!

Another upside to having a FWB is that you can plan to do whatever you want without having to ask “permission” or consider someone else’s schedule before committing. If you’re the kind of person who’s busy, a FWB is the perfect partner.

5) Dual Purpose

A FWB is not just someone that you want to spend naked time with, but someone you like to talk to at other times, too. A FWB is quite often a friend first before seeing you naked. I believe that the best FWBs are heavy on the F, in all the best ways!

Image Credit: Friends With Benefits | Screen Gems, Castlerock Entertainment, et al.

And so I Wrote a Letter...

I wrote a letter and it cost me my dignity and my self respect. The letter went a little something like this:

I'm going to be frank and dominant here and say maybe we should just fuck. We can take away the pressure of being friends and trying to hang out. Let's face it, we have rock star sex together and maybe that is all it needs to be. If you don't respond, I will go and I won't bother you again. But I thought I would try.

This is so wrong. This is so pathetic. But it happened. Let me tell you why it happened, why it shouldn't have happened, and how to get your self-respect back.

Why It Happened
I know that I am not in alone in being upset when a girl loses access to good sex. I've already less-than-humble-bragged about how amazing that I thought sex was with [The Guy] so I won't go into it too much. I will just recap that he was close to being pretty damn nearly perfect. Orgasms from just being inside me and the such. With that said, when I realized things were taking a sour turn, I tried (desperately) to hold on to that sex.

I didn't want anything from him but what my body could feel from his. I thought that if the knew that I was okay just fucking, he would get over whatever weird thing was happening and I could keep getting laid. And so the letter happened.

But it shouldn't have.

Did you miss the DESPERATE part? Jeez. Instead of wondering where I was going to get my next dick fix, I should have been telling myself to get a fucking grip. There was no way that this letter could have had a positive result. I mean it was literally impossible for that to end well. And it didn't. Going into it he had been ignoring me, did I think that this was going to work miracles? No, it really just served to stress me out, make me revise what I was trying to say, and then feel bad when nothing ever came of it.

But it isn't the end of the world.

You can build your self-respect back up (read: I can). 
But we have to be willing to LET THIS GO. The only thing that I can boast about being is that I am human. I am beautiful and I am perfect in my flaws. We all are. We are all flawed and we are not infallible and shit like this is going to happen.

In our lives and in our sexual journeys, we are going to find people that come and go and we have to embrace that. Even monogamous relationships will come and go for some. But you can't let the relationship with other people define you.

I tracked the fuck-up with [The Guy] to the moment he saw me in the bar when I was alone. I guess he didn't want me mingling with his life. Cue the ignoring. That was weird. He knew I wanted to try bars and try new things. All I wanted to do was listen to good music and dance. But that didn't work for him and he wouldn't let me explain.

So a couple weeks later, I made plans to go to a party. I later realized he would have plans to go to this party and so I decided to make sure I looked really nice and sexy. Gussied up real nice in my short dress and my kick-ass boots and ready to dance the night away. And when we saw each other, I could have yo-yo'd into a self absorbed cloud of doubt but instead, I danced better, had more beer, and held control over the situation. Because that is what I deserved. 

Don't shy away from facing him and letting you know he fucking passed up the rare opportunity to sleep with you. Because that is a chance no one should be wasting.

The Things I Fucked Up

I'm 27 and I've never really been too much into the dating scene. I had a really long relationship through college, lost my virginity to him, moved in with him, etc. He and I met on Myspace as locals and it just sort of happened. It wasn't like I got picked up after class or hit on a sporting event it just happened online. It happened pretty quickly in fact.

6 years later we split up and I'm facing the world of first dates. I mean I am sure I will write about those too but for now, let's talk about let me rant about the things I did to fuck up the casual dating scene. Particularly my crash and burn with [The Guy]. What? You thought my awesome twat was enough to sustain that rock star sex? Yeah, me too.

Using the book, Why Men Love Bitches, as a starting point, I have made my own list of What-The-Fuck-Were-You-Thinking-Leila moves (aka Life Lessons) that could save your love (read: sex) life later! For the record, these are in no particular order.

Tried too hard to pursue him
It wasn't like the world revolved around him. I didn't even want to be his girlfriend. I did want to be his friend for the record. But I can say that I probably spammed a little too much in the texts, and I was a little too available for someone who couldn't make much time for me. It added a lot of pressure to a situation that needed to be lax. Life lesson: Remember to just "be". It is to fucking cliche to say go with the flow but really, just let this shit happen.

Gave away the goods
Come on, we all know I slept with him on the first date. Over 1000 people have read What I Learned From Sex on the First Date, so it is no secret. And I will never regret that. Regretting good sex is something you just don't do. But...I put out a lot of stuff the first few rounds we knocked back. Stuff usually saved for way later like period sex or anal sex. Exploration and trying new things. I was even on top! It was wonderful and intense but ultimately left nothing in the bag for surprises. Life lesson: Don't tilt your hand before the end of the game.

Moved into his territory
So he inspired me to try new fucking things...big deal. I went to a bar...by myself. I just happen to roll up into a place where he was already chilling. Now, I bet you're wondering what the big deal is. You see, going to the bar solo is a big deal for me...I may have been a little anxious and stressed while fighting my biggest fear and source of anxiety...ever. So I may have been a little spastic. Maybe. Doesn't mean I am psycho-stalker-bitch. Life lesson: Keep your fucking cool.

Totally Transparent
I made it apparent that I thought he was hott, I was interested, and that he was on my mind quite often. It would be different to think those things but I may have consistently reminded him. I just wanted him to know, I certainly want people to tell me those things. But I couldn't see the line and I am sure I crossed it. My bad. Life lesson: Stay mysterious.

Drunk texts are always bad
It shouldn't have mattered that he insisted on seeing me tipsy texting, my brain just lets it go and I always said things that left me feeling like an apology was needed. This probably isn't the worse thing that someone could do but I ended up rambling about a married, expectant father who was hitting on me in texts and making me uncomfortable. Seriously, not cute and not something I would have talked about with him sober. Life lesson: When you're drunk or too bored, have your best friend hide your phone. Just don't forget to turn the ringer off because then you're like a bloodhound the minute it goes off. Not worth it...believe me.

Each person is inherently different. It is where we get the saying "different strokes for different folks" and that is just how the human experience is supposed to be. However, there can be general things to keep in mind and I think that is the thing to take away from this. If you're a dude, I strongly encourage you to just man up and tell her what is going on in your head. I know it is hard and you're weird and you're awkward but damn, don't be a dick. Girls, we're still human and we're going to screw up. Be prepared to either apologize or slap your sexy boots back and on keep walking. We are always have a lot of questions and what-ifs in life; sex and dating will be one but that isn't the end of everything.

Fearing the Freak Inside: It's Okay to be a Fetishist

This world is full of all sorts of devilishly sinful ideas, feelings, and people. Hell, you keep cmoing back to read my blog and I cover pretty much the whole spectrum here. I'm breaking all the rules by pouring my sex life out onto the internet (it's in the name of good journalism!). So if I put all that here for you to read, you can only imagine what might actually be going on inside my brain or panties at any given time.

But sometimes, I even catch myself off guard when I find something new that turns me on. As it happens, I usually stumbled across it in porn or some Literotica story so it is pretty easy to realize that I am not the only person who has ever thought this.

#Bootfetish 

Being comfortable with sharing it is a different story. It is probably easier for me to get around because I am generally only attracted to other fetishists. Someone who can live by my general mantra:

Beat me, bite me, make me bleed, kinky sex is all I need.

It is really hard for me to imagine ever going back to a missionary only style relationship. Or ending up in a no-foreplay scenario all the time. Sometimes its a sort-of-have-to-fuck-now situation, we're all been there. But most of the time, I'm going to want to touch and bite and explore. I'm going to want my partner to do the same thing.

I usually like to test the waters with the simple things like BDSM. If they can't at least handle a little biting and some handcuffs, we're probably not going to work out. I know me. These days, my dominating side is kind of slithering out more and more and if he can't handle a forceful woman, there is plenty of time to turn back. 

But we all have to accept and understand that not every partner will be into every fetish. It isn't about that. It is about exploring and trying and really understanding that there are times someone has to be willing to remove the boundaries. Sometimes, that even means we have to sacrifice a little (but never who we are). But if I'm going to fuck someone, I'm going to bite them. Sorry, not sorry.

Introverted Contradiction

Even the snarkiest bitches can honestly have trouble talking to people. The place that I find myself these days is just a walking contradiction of my closeted self on the front lines of battle with the known self. The extrovert vs. the introvert.

The Extrovert
I want to do ALL THE THINGS! Somewhere inside me, in the place the sun never touches, I have developed a thirst to try new experiences. Its always been there, but it hasn't always been as obvious as it is now. Its pretty much at the level I imagine a boy with a raging boner in the middle of class is at: fucking obvious. And it is totally clashing with everything that has previously been my "nature". Damn, I know people change but it is like I don't know where the old me ends and the new Leila beings.  Old me is (read: always has been)...

The Introvert
I mean up until very recently, I would have even identified as shy. It seems it is not so much shy as it is a form of social anxiety and claustrophobia of large crowds. I have to be able to admit this if I am ever going to overcome it and I don't want to be held back by panic attacks and quiet attitudes. Hell, my attitude is anything but quiet these days. And that is what is resulting in...

The Battle
Fuck! I really just want to ask a boy out without having 4+ drafted text messages. I should just be able to say "Hey, lets hang out" but that just isn't happening. It's more like Hi, I have some free time  Hey, I would really like to  Hey, wanna hang and the list just goes on!

Dammit what is so hard about the chick asking the dick to hang? So what if it is to hang out with his wang out? It doesn't matter, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

And to top it off, I'm not a loner party and that means that my extrovert is at a severe disadvantage when trying to raise its pretty head.

Which leaves me thinking: How do I fix this fucking problem? I'm sick of living my life by labels that don't define me anymore. We really all need to fight against labels and take charge of the lives we want to live.

And that time is now.