Guest Post: Sexuality Self Discovery

Snarky Sass has been blogging here for a year and I've been wracking my brain to figure out what I would write for her. I’d considered writing about my vanilla tastes and about losing my virginity until I was 26, but nothing seemed right. It’s funny, though; that what I’m going to write about in some way incorporates both of those things. Consider my guest post today a coming out of sorts. I’m demisexual.

Consider LGBTQIAAP. I've heard of heterosexual, homosexual, and recently asexual and pansexual, but … demisexual? To be perfectly honest, I didn't know even know what that meant until recently, but it has opened up a world of knowledge and understanding about myself that I’m so fortunate to be absorbing. So, how did I get here and what does it mean and how can it relate to you?

As previously mentioned, I lost my virginity at 26 and I’m now 27 and have had one sexual partner. In 2013, I wrote a note to one of my favorite Youtubers for her weekly Q&A show and confessed to being a 26 year old virgin. I asked her advice as I was worried how I’d be perceived. Her response was fantastic and made me feel so much better about myself. Fast forward to later that year when I ended up having a short-lived sexual relationship with a good friend. We were very close and had formed an emotional bond over the course of our revived friendship. This ended very abruptly when he decided to pursue another woman and break it off. I was hurt and confused. The sting of rejection was very real and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I spent the majority of 2014 wondering that as I looked around at the people that I know with healthy sex lives, some with multiple partners. I thought I was defective.

I share that very personal part of my life to explain something. I never really understood why I hadn't lost my virginity before then. I always thought it was just because I was a big girl. I blamed a lot of my lack of relationships on my weight. I realize now that I was not out seeking them either. As I reflect, even my profiles on OkCupid or any other dating site has never been made for casual sex. I have never desired hookups, but of the few guys that I’ve talked to or casually dated over the course of my adult life, I've never had sex with any of them. Because I didn’t want to. At first I thought it was because I wasn't “ready.” In truth, I just never found them sexually attractive or we did not have a strong enough connection for me to warrant opening myself up to another person in that way.

I now know that I am demisexual, which is on the asexual spectrum. Once I read a description (A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional bond (not necessarily romantic) is formed), I felt a sudden release of relief. Could this be the name for what I’ve felt all of these years? The idea of sex appeals to me, but I never have been able to imagine myself having casual sex with someone that I’m not somehow committed to.

I’m not defective; I’m not broken. I just do sexuality in a different way. It has to mean something. I’m not a prude. I don’t need to lower my standards. I just have to feel. I have to connect. For me, it’s not just emotion, it’s romance, it’s intellectual. Brainy is the new sexy, after all.

This new information has answered so many questions that I've had about past experiences. When talking to a guy last year, I couldn't seal the deal, as it were. We’re friends, not good friends, but friends. But our bond isn't deep. I found him sensually attractive and the idea of cuddling with him and possibly kissing him was appealing, but the idea of anything beyond that repulsed me. That’s not his fault and it’s not my fault, we’re just not connected in that way. But we’d talk about it and I’d keep putting it off and putting it off. Now I know why.

I’m not sure how this will affect future relationships. I’m still learning so much and I will have to figure out how to mitigate the backlash that I may receive when I have to tell someone that I might not be interested in them sexually. I do prefer sex with men, which makes me a demi-heterosexual. And it’s not as if I’m absolutely repulsed by sex. I still get aroused, but I don’t care for porn and I masturbate generally to relieve stress. Even still, imaging myself with the right partner gives me a rush. It makes me crave, hunger, and yearn. I still love the idea of sex, but for me, it just carries a lot more weight than for others.

So, yeah, here’s my coming out post. I’m demisexual. I’m new to this non-binary sexuality thing, so I’m looking to hopefully connect with a community, the same way that Snarky Sass has with the fetish community. It feels really good to understand this part of myself. I feel free in a way that I hadn't before.

The Rules of the Game

Your sexuality belongs to you. It is yours for the molding, the shaping, and the experiencing. Not a single person will ever experience it like you. So why are you letting them shape it for you?

You will face judgement at every turn in your life and your sex life is one of those. So fucking get over it and live it the way you want to. And if you think it is easier said than done, I'm doing it everyday. So here are my words of wisdom. The rules of the game.

27 is not too old to get fingered outside in the Applebee's parking lot.

You're never too experienced to ask for something brand new.

When that hot guy with the nice dick comes to town, fuck him.

Don't let a messy bedroom stop you from a nice lay.

Don't be afraid to be just a little selfish.

Lick it before you stick it. 

Buy a sex toy. Go on. Treat yourself.

If you want to swipe right on Tinder just for that hookup... SWIPE RIGHT.

And if none of this is for you, that's okay. Be happy.

Fetish Confessions: Teddy Bear Part 2

The last time I was talking to Teddy Bear, we were discussing the different fetishes that he has and what is so amazingly hot about them. This time we're dealing with the tender stuff. The fragile nature of sharing those fetishes with your partner and if he can even have a partner that can't accept them.

Is your fetish lifestyle something that you are open about or do you only share it with a select few?

I am open about it with my closest friends and lovers. I think society teaches us to be ashamed of sex when its something that should be regarded as beautiful and spiritual. That said, I think sex/fetishes are something that should be personal in some ways. For example, I don't think one should embrace their fetishes/sexuality to the point of becoming dangerously promiscuous (in terms of STD's, not respecting one's own emotional worth or needs, etc.). Fetishes are things that are personal and should be shared intimately. And just to clarify to your readers, I consider what you do with your blog to be extremely intimate. Intimacy doesn't mean sharing only with one or few people. Intimacy is sharing with people who want to understand you and who want to experience a part of your deepest self in a genuine sense. When we can share our fetishes with others (sometimes even strangers), it can be deeply intimate if they truly appreciate what you're revealing to them and if they return that intimacy by sharing something of themselves. So, I guess even my perception of intimacy is about vulnerability in the masculine and feminine....

Speaking of what I do here, something that I have heard since I've been talking about things like this, is that I am brave. Do you ever feel, after sharing your fetishes, that you are vulnerable? Open for criticism?

I feel like I am vulnerable, yes, because I'm letting people know some of the most intimate parts of me. But I don't feel like I'm open for criticism. My sexual nature is my own and as long as I'm not hurting myself or others, nobody has a right to "criticize" my fetishes. I know my opinion on that is strongly influenced by having to deal with the repercussions of coming out, especially in a repressive, rural culture. Now if a partner wants to criticize my technique, that's totally fine (and I expect them to!). But criticizing my fetishes isn't something I'm interested in entertaining for others. I just think that's a dangerous path to secretly let the rampant sexual repression of our culture come into the conversation.

When do you try confide in/try it out with a new partner?

Honestly, from the beginning. I've made the mistake of not discussing it upfront with some partners (trust me....don't do that!). You have to know if your partner can accept your fetishes and if they can help you fulfill them (directly or indirectly). My current partner is a psych major and he has tried to psychoanalyze my fetishes when we've tried to engage in them. That kills the mood for me every time. However, I appreciate the fact that he's tried to engage in my fetishes to know who I am on a deeper level. Because we feel we're perfect for each other on almost every other level, we compromised to expand our relationship to polyamory for the right additional partners. Your partner should ALWAYS be willing to help meet your needs (and vice-versa); this was our way of doing that.

Would you say that you’re only attracted to people who can share in that with you? I know I am turned off by people who don't want to explore or even participate in the most tame fetishes. I have to be able to explore this side of me and I want a partner who has a similar side.

Definitely. Having spent so much of my teen years repressing who I was from those I cared about, I have no interest in doing that now. And we shouldn't have to repress ourselves...we should express ourselves! (Cue Madonna in my head.... Oi, I'm such a queer sometimes....) :-) That said, they don't have to fully engage in my fetishes, but they have to attempt to understand, accept, and embrace them in their own way.

Do you still enjoy “vanilla” sex or is the fetish a must now?

I do still enjoy vanilla sex because of the intimacy it creates between my partner and I. However, I'm attracted to vanilla sex because of him and my connection to him, not because I enjoy vanilla sex itself. So in some ways, fetish is a must now. I view sex as another way to bond with people, though, so this helps me transcend my need for fetish.

How do you feel about this saying: “A kink is a thrill, and a fetish is a must”?

I suppose it depends on how we define these things. There are certainly things that are musts and things that are just thrills (i.e., optional). In that sense, I totally agree with the statement, and it helps give a definition to what kinks and fetishes are (something that is hard to do in the kink/fetish community, I think).

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