Didn't I Say Crushes Aren't for Me?

So I haven't said much since I decided to be all bold and shit about being in like with [Lex Luthor]. I mean frankly, what else is there to say on the matter? Not much. But you see, I have been busy being a whiny bitch about whether or not he is thinking about me, what did the other night mean for him, etc. I have gotten on my own last damn nerves; I'm sorry if you're in my immediate vicinity and have to put up with me.

Now that I said that...

It doesn't get the rest of you off the hook.

There are lots of people who talk to me on the daily and read this blog; single people, poly couples, open couples, gay couples, kinksters, etc. That means that you guys, some of you, understand. So here I am. Looking to you for advice. It has been a long damn time since I've not known what to do.

This "crush" or whatever you might prefer to call it has resulted in a self-induced dry spell. There are definitely people that I want to bang, but none of them hold a candle to my interest in him. None of them are fulfilling what I want right now.

And I don't like that.

All because my brain decided to produce an inordinate amount of dopamine for this boy, I have made an ass out of myself by wearing my heart on my sleeve and I haven't had sex in almost two months.

Can you turn these off in your brain? Can you consciously say stop thinking about it (because really that just makes you think about thinking about him)?

I would like for this message from our sponsor to be over so I can return to my regular scheduled programming (until, if ever, he's ready)...if you catch my drift.

Crushes & Why They're Not For Me

I recently read a blog post about crushes that happened to mesh pretty fucking well with thoughts that were already inside this pretty little mind of mine. If by mesh you mean I think that it is totally wrong and I can completely explain why.

The post was about crushes. You know why they're called crushes? Because when they don't work out, your heart is crushed. It is ashes. Mother fucking crumpled and pitiful ashes.  The author of the post says that they believe in the obligation-free crush.

My crush is my own. It's nice if we share a mutual attraction, but even if you show no interest in my pudding-like physical form, I will still hang out with you. This isn't a contract where I will only do nice things for you unless you promise to smooch the hell out of me; no, we are friends, and while my friendship may be laced with a bit of intoxication over the idea of smooching you, I value your actual presence over my daydreams.

This, I can say, is true.

If you truly have the obligation-free crush, this isn't going anywhere. Even the revelation of a mutual attraction may not necessarily lead to hot bedside smoochenatings, as all mature adults understand that "Attraction does not equal automatic coupling." I'm attracted to any number of people who, in a vacuum, would probably warm my nethers...

Alright, this is not true...for me. Actually, it is this point right here that has me so discombobulated over the whole situation that I can't even see crooked because the world is spinning.

First, let me say I prefer to call it like over a crush. Okay, I like  someone. I am in like with someone. I had crushes in fifth grade. Now it is a little more serious.

But I would rather not like anyone. I don't want to be in like. I don't like being in like. It is scary.

I get attracted to a lot of people. Male or female. I can want to fuck as many people as I can handle but that is where I like for it to stay. It is easier for me. Easier for me than what happens when I like someone. In fact, it is such a big deal that I haven't actually liked anyone for nearly 8 years. Not like this. Not in a way that he feels so wonderfully inviting, safe, and like home but these emotions feel dangerous. I feel vulnerable.

I don't like it.

In fact, I can't fucking stand it.

Crushes hurt. Liking people hurts. It isn't beautiful and hopeful like "love". It is raw, confusing, and uncertain. It is a bunch of "Are they thinking about me?" and "Goddamit, I can't stop thinking about them!" with some "Should I look nice? Should I shave my legs? Is this enough cleavage?" thrown in just for added insecurity.

But I will take it all. Because I don't have a choice in the matter.

I know you're probably not reading this, but [Lex Luthor], I like you.