Someone Finally Called Me a Whore

It's no big secret that last year, when I turned 27, I decided to change my life. I wanted to live with no expectations and I succeeded. I came into my own life; I fell in love with my body, found my sexuality, and I had sex with some people. I mean, I literally tripled the amount of people I had slept with last year. I joined into my local BDSM community where I would proceed to get naked, beaten, battered, and degraded in public. I'd soon learn that I would be a cumming little slut all the time, too.

And what do I do with all that experience?

I write about it. I blog and share my experiences with readers from all over the state, country, and world. And then, people ask me questions about their own sexuality and I get to answer them. Because now I am a conduit for information and exploration.

And I love this about me. I love that I am proud of my sexuality. I love that I am identified and known by a name I chose, Sabina. And when I wanted to make that more, add more to it, I took a last name, Harlot. Sabina Harlot... Sabina the Whore. Why does this have to be bad?

Why is the word whore so bad?

It isn't. It is only as bad as the power I give it. And so I'm reclaiming it. In fact, I am bringing back the antiquated word, Harlot. Because why not add a little flare?

I like my name, I like my identity and I decided to implement and brand that with my blog as the actual author. So I made a blogger facebook page. I did this because I'm a dreamer and I want to take this somewhere. I want big things in life.

So why, if I'm proud to be who I am and am a self-claimed Harlot, did it piss me off so bad that someone** called me a whore? "Whore simply doesn't fit the vision I had for Sabina..."

It wasn't that he called me a whore.

It was that he thought he got to choose who I am supposed to be. NO! I get to chose that because it is my life, my sex life, and these are my friends and my partners. He doesn't know them, barely knows me, and he doesn't get to chose who Sabina is.

I get to live this life once and only once. You get to you live your's, too. I'm going to shout it from the rooftops about the sex that I had if I want to. I'm going to erase the idea that women can't embrace their sexuality because damn it, we get notches on our bedposts, too!

**For the record, this wasn't a random stranger. This was someone I know closely and intimately and value with my life. I could give two fucks less what a stranger thinks.

Guest Post: Sexuality Self Discovery

Snarky Sass has been blogging here for a year and I've been wracking my brain to figure out what I would write for her. I’d considered writing about my vanilla tastes and about losing my virginity until I was 26, but nothing seemed right. It’s funny, though; that what I’m going to write about in some way incorporates both of those things. Consider my guest post today a coming out of sorts. I’m demisexual.

Consider LGBTQIAAP. I've heard of heterosexual, homosexual, and recently asexual and pansexual, but … demisexual? To be perfectly honest, I didn't know even know what that meant until recently, but it has opened up a world of knowledge and understanding about myself that I’m so fortunate to be absorbing. So, how did I get here and what does it mean and how can it relate to you?

As previously mentioned, I lost my virginity at 26 and I’m now 27 and have had one sexual partner. In 2013, I wrote a note to one of my favorite Youtubers for her weekly Q&A show and confessed to being a 26 year old virgin. I asked her advice as I was worried how I’d be perceived. Her response was fantastic and made me feel so much better about myself. Fast forward to later that year when I ended up having a short-lived sexual relationship with a good friend. We were very close and had formed an emotional bond over the course of our revived friendship. This ended very abruptly when he decided to pursue another woman and break it off. I was hurt and confused. The sting of rejection was very real and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I spent the majority of 2014 wondering that as I looked around at the people that I know with healthy sex lives, some with multiple partners. I thought I was defective.

I share that very personal part of my life to explain something. I never really understood why I hadn't lost my virginity before then. I always thought it was just because I was a big girl. I blamed a lot of my lack of relationships on my weight. I realize now that I was not out seeking them either. As I reflect, even my profiles on OkCupid or any other dating site has never been made for casual sex. I have never desired hookups, but of the few guys that I’ve talked to or casually dated over the course of my adult life, I've never had sex with any of them. Because I didn’t want to. At first I thought it was because I wasn't “ready.” In truth, I just never found them sexually attractive or we did not have a strong enough connection for me to warrant opening myself up to another person in that way.

I now know that I am demisexual, which is on the asexual spectrum. Once I read a description (A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional bond (not necessarily romantic) is formed), I felt a sudden release of relief. Could this be the name for what I’ve felt all of these years? The idea of sex appeals to me, but I never have been able to imagine myself having casual sex with someone that I’m not somehow committed to.

I’m not defective; I’m not broken. I just do sexuality in a different way. It has to mean something. I’m not a prude. I don’t need to lower my standards. I just have to feel. I have to connect. For me, it’s not just emotion, it’s romance, it’s intellectual. Brainy is the new sexy, after all.

This new information has answered so many questions that I've had about past experiences. When talking to a guy last year, I couldn't seal the deal, as it were. We’re friends, not good friends, but friends. But our bond isn't deep. I found him sensually attractive and the idea of cuddling with him and possibly kissing him was appealing, but the idea of anything beyond that repulsed me. That’s not his fault and it’s not my fault, we’re just not connected in that way. But we’d talk about it and I’d keep putting it off and putting it off. Now I know why.

I’m not sure how this will affect future relationships. I’m still learning so much and I will have to figure out how to mitigate the backlash that I may receive when I have to tell someone that I might not be interested in them sexually. I do prefer sex with men, which makes me a demi-heterosexual. And it’s not as if I’m absolutely repulsed by sex. I still get aroused, but I don’t care for porn and I masturbate generally to relieve stress. Even still, imaging myself with the right partner gives me a rush. It makes me crave, hunger, and yearn. I still love the idea of sex, but for me, it just carries a lot more weight than for others.

So, yeah, here’s my coming out post. I’m demisexual. I’m new to this non-binary sexuality thing, so I’m looking to hopefully connect with a community, the same way that Snarky Sass has with the fetish community. It feels really good to understand this part of myself. I feel free in a way that I hadn't before.

If Two is a Party...

They say three is a crowd but I'm going to go out on a limb here and just disagree with that statement. And yes, this is going exactly where you think it is going.

Because threesomes rock.

In the time that I took off and was having all that wild, whore-like sex in December, a lot of it was new experiences that I had never had before. I learned some awesome things about how polyamorous couples work, the dynamic in threesomes, and just how well boner performance pills actually work.

The sex was quite literally the best of my life. It isn't just another notch on the bedpost or simply worth bragging about. A lot of people want to know how it happened. Well, much like everything of a semi-sexual nature it just did. It just happened.

I fell into the stereotypical bisexual girl situation. You know, the one where everyone thinks that just because you might not be completely straight that you want to join in on their couple action? Yeah. It was me and a married couple. Again, it just sort of happened.

I know a lot of people thought that there would be some big elaborate scheme cooked up here. Something exciting like joining the Swingers Lifestyle (which I did do) and went to some wild get-together house orgy or something and we ended up together (which I didn't do). That's what most people think of. But it started with a simple, "Hey, would you like someone to come get you off?" and permission from the lady part of the equation.

Who turns down something like that!

Two days later the three of us were in a BDSM scene. Naked, bruised, but quite open for anything to happen I was told to "Climb on" and I did. Then I asked to kiss her, too. And for the next 6 hours, it was nothing less than an amazing BDSM fuckfest.

But the thing to remember is that I didn't approach one or the other about any of this. I was told I was attractive and invited to have sex with him. I refused until I spoke directly to her. Before it was a threesome and she was watching me have sex with her husband, she was giving me explicit permission. Drama isn't something that I'm into. It doesn't get me off to be your dirty secret or anything like that.

So yeah, threesomes can just happen. They can just happen to you, too. But if you drop the ball on communicating what it is you want, it is your dick on the chopping block.

Binary Sexuality? Screw that!

In the old days, the middle ages, the days gone by, the times before now, people didn't really realize the spectrum that is sexuality. They couldn't understand how the brain worked and you were simply gay or straight.

Maybe a little crooked but that was for those shady folks you had to watch out for.

But as time went on and people thought the sexual psyche was worth looking into, out came the LGB...pun intended. Heaven forbid you like both!

As we become a more sophisticated society even that changes and who the hell cares about acronyms when you just keep adding letters... LGBTQIAAP.

But I'm here to make that even more complicated. Because I've given some serious thought to my own sexuality and I don't like that sexuality has to encompass both my idea of love and attraction. I'm weird. I always have been; so why should this be any different?

I want to seriously complicate this idea of sexuality and binary systems. I want to just be me. Every weird yet wonderful fucking thing about me.

I'm pansexual.

But that word belongs to me. It means something specific to me. It is tempered with my propensity for and lean towards hetero-romanticism. But don't argue that I'm not pan enough for you. Or I'm not straight enough for you. It isn't for you.

It is for me.

Dear Sabina: So You Want to Domme?

I decided to make a change and incorporate myself into the blog in a way that utilizes my sex-scene-name. We all have our vices and our stories, Sabina is mine, and come on, I had a thing for Dear Abby when I was 10.

I read your post about being a dominatrix for the first time and it sounds so wonderful. I've wanted to do this for my husband for a long time but I'm nervous. How can I get started?

Okay, so the first thing that you have to know is that I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on the matter. I'm not even what I would call experienced. I'm just a sadomasochist who put a lot of effort into studying how to be safe with [Aristotle] and how to really get going. I spent some time talking to someone who has been a Domme for several years and she has collared submissives.

That said, this has to really be a part of who you are. You don't have to have a Type A personality out of the gate and this may not all come naturally to you at first but you have to want it. If you are going to feel awkward and out of place, it will only hurt your morale. So start by getting into the right mindset that you are a beautiful woman, you're forceful, and the very nature of the world should bend to your will. 

Find rhythm and strength in what makes you feel comfortable. Are you going to want to be in charge, cause him/her pain, make them pleasure you? What do you want out of it? Yes, I want all of those things and that is okay, too.

If you want to make the serious jump into it, start with education and knowing the safe ways to tie or hit someone. Yes, there are rules and there are safety things it isn't all just hot kink, though it is that, too. Don't use self-cinching ties when you're getting started, they can be dangerous. Don't hit someone in the spine. It all seems like common sense but mistakes can happen.

I also recommend reading BDSM 101 which is written with a snarky attitude from the point of view from a professional submissive. It is a wonderful read and a wonderful way to get started. And join websites that provide forums for education and ideas.

And also, clothes. The right look will be a nice bolster to your confidence.

That's Miss Sabina, to you!

Ever had one of those experiences that changes your life? Gives you confidence, strength, and ultimate power? I have and [Aristotle] gave that to me. He handed it to me on a goddamn silver platter the moment he said he wanted to submit to me.

For years, I have known that I have a dominant side in me. I've dabbled in topping and in masturbation control. It is a thrill that I feel deep inside when a man begs for my permission, generosity or mercy.

But this is what I've wanted; what I've craved.

I wanted to cause the sound of the whip. I wanted to control, demand, punish, and reward.

I haven't found a lot of men confident in their own sexuality to lose control to a woman. I've seen fear in their eyes or heard it in their voice. But then when you plant a "Get the Fuck Over Here Kiss" (trademarks pending), it makes them question their resolve. But [Aristotle], he is different.

He knew that by agreeing to meet me, he would be mine. My pleasure would come from control and his pleasure would belong to me. He showed up in a black shirt just like I told him to and everything stirred in my veins. Blood pumping hot and strong, power driving my moves, my panties getting wet, stimulus overload.

And in public, I made his face the most beautiful shade of red by making sure he knew exactly what was coming his way. I'm not the most handy person when it comes to creating things but I managed to rig a complete door jam to string my little sub to the front door. It worked beautifully and I am fucking proud of it!

I put together a sampler platter of goodies for us to try. Well, really, I wanted to try and test the waters but I needed to know what we would both like. There was a lot of shoving my wet fingers down his throat, whipping, and making sure he knew his place was beneath me and he would kneel if I said kneel. He wasn't even allowed to talk unless I decided to grant his permission.

I've never felt such a high. Never had my own excitement running down my legs.

Until then.

Our scene ended in more fantasy fulfillment when I untied him and granted him permission to pleasure me until we were a glistening heap of sexed bodies on the living room floor.

And in the moments after, I knew the side of me I'd tried to find for years.

Her name My name is Miss Sabina, and I'm fucking hott.

You Did What in Public?

I try to make it a point to go to the different fetish parties around town each month. So I went again. And it may classify as one of the best ones yet, at least for my personal experience.

First you have to know, vainly, how absolutely stellar I looked. I had picked up a fetish corset piece. It isn't a real corset and just something for fun and a vinyl mini-skirt. I honestly felt drop dead gorgeous.

The high that I felt from feeling that beautiful was only bolstered by the rest of the evening. I approached a friend at the party; she is a wonderful woman. I asked her if she would be willing to do a scene with me at this party and she agreed. I was ecstatic.

An hour later, I found myself on a stage, in nothing but my lace panties, being cuffed to a huge wooden suspension rig in front of a bar full of people. Cue one of the most amazing experiences of my life. From there came the blindfold, the breast torture, and the public lashings. If I had had any doubts before I left that house that day about who I was really becoming, it all floated beautifully away with each hit as I became soundly and profoundly a version of myself that I loved.

And as the orgasms came (pun intended, you see), I was held up by the cuffs, caught by warm hands, and tenderly cared for as my head was somewhere off in the subspace and my body was just a pile of pretty squishy mush. And as I flittered around in the arms of my friends and caregivers, I heard the most wonderful compliments about how great it was to watch or that I was a beautiful bottom and so on. The high from that experience was unprecedented, unimaginable, and totally blissful.

If I am honest with myself, when I left the house that night wearing that outfit, I thought to myself the me from 5 years ago would not recognize the me from today. But I love the person I am becoming. The person who is okay with her sexuality. The girl who is okay helping others with their sexuality. The woman who feels empowered by her own strength.

PSA: I'm Not Just Sex

So you're here and you're reading this blog; that means you know I have sex. You know I like talking about sex. You may not have known until this very moment that I now work in the sex industry (no, I'm not a porn star or a prostitute). I mean I fucking love everything this is about sex. It is beautiful, passionate, and pleasureful; what isn't to love? I enjoy making people feel comfortable with their bodies and their sexual identities.

But here is a little run down of how to behave when you meet me and/or my comrades:

1) Do not disrespect us. When I am on this blog I am sassy and honest. When I am work I am professional. But above that, I am human.

2) I will walk you through my most wicked fantasies. I will help you work through your own. That doesn't mean I will play through any of them, at all, with you.

3) I want you to ask me questions and confess your inner most fetishes with me. I will respect you and not judge you, I would like the same.

4) I actually have a Bachelor of Arts in Sociology. I like the way people interact, I like watching them. That also means that I am intelligent and that I have other interests to provide a potential mate than a hot twat.

There isn't just one reason that this needs to be said, and it is kind of pathetic that it needs to be said. I have had no negative responses like I was prepared for. I was prepared for slut-shaming and whore-slandering. But what I got was a call to lose my standards and consistent disrespect. I'm human and you are too.

I won't stop writing and I won't stop talking. More importantly, I won't stop fucking. And that takes away the bully power. I'm just me and I'm happy with it.

Image Credit: Pinup Bombshells

Reader Response: Hard Limits

What are your top three fetishes that you won't do?

Hard limits.

What are my biggest hard limits?

To be honest, I don't know if I would have known them until recently when I did a BDSM checklist to help me understand more about myself, my desires, what I wanted to experience, what I wanted to do to others, and what the difference between a soft and hard limit is.

But I have done that list, so I do know them.

#1: Anything related to bathroom functions. I know that encompasses a lot of them but this includes scat, watersports, diaper wearing, etc. If it is something that happens in or around a toilet, count me out. Smells, textures, germophobiness, its all just going to do more than turn me off. I promise. The one thing to note is that I have always been willing to pee on someone, but generally its a mutually reciprocal thing and that doesn't work for me. But is it is my hard limit, not yours.

#2: This...is a hard limit for life. Because I fucking hate the thought of it: DENTAL WORK. I mean, I can't even think of how that would be sexy. I would dead. Like actually dead because my heart just imploded. I hit the floor when I barely chipped a tooth. I can't. I just cannot.

#3: This one is a little more abstract. I don't like to do things that make me feel unsexy. If something physically is effecting the way that I look (i.e. fire cupping & gas masks) and makes me feel weird and awkward, the scene is broken. The magic is gone. I love my body and I love feeling sexy. I'm a wild woman when I feel sexy. I love sensation, pleasure, and pleasing but take away that sexy and that confidence and I'm done. It is why I struggle with rope even though I love it so much.

Well there, that is a hell of an interesting look into my psyche.

Deadly Sins

I don't know if ti was the years of barely orgasms, the beaten confidence, or the constant thoughts that if I pleased him it would make him want me, but time has turned me into a flawed lover.

This isn't about the skeletons in my closet because they're no fun. This is about my overwhelming desire and craving for pleasure to belong to me. A deep, intimate acknowledgement of my greed and selfishness as a lover.

None of us are perfect. Sorry to break that news to you.

But part of owning yourself, being confident, and loving your own sexuality is acknowledging that small truth.

Strive to be awesome, not perfect.

I've grown fond of the idea that my first time with  a partner needs to be about me. If you want me to be with you 100% I need to gauge you in my own way. How do you respect a simple request? How do you feel about a woman who knows what she wants? Are you just in this for the quickest lay? These are all hints and ideas that I pick up from having my partners please me for the first time.

It also serves to make me very comfortable with a partner once they've seen, tasted, and prodded my body and they want to come back. In that weird, symbiotic way, it makes me a better lover, too.

But that is not the only way I'm selfish (or flawed). You see, I'm also severely undisciplined. In the throws of pleasure and ecstasy, I am very erratic. I get over eager sometimes. Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I am in real pain. Sometimes I can't stand or see straight.

That is when my partner gets the short end of the stick. And I am sorry for it. You did well but please help me. This is the moment where trust is built. Where the vulnerable reaches out and you lay the foundation for this thing between us. I don't want to keep taking from you but I will keep asking. Because after 20 years, I finally give a damn about myself.

Image Credit: Dahlig

Shocking Revelations

About a month ago, I told you that I went to a fetish party. Last time, I was considerably late everything was winding down and it was simply very sensual but I was not actively participating. But this time. This time was different.

What was different this time?

I promise it had nothing to do with the beer I had before I got there.

Or the three drinks I had while I was there. Totally not.

What I experienced was a new level of high. Dabbles in voyeurism and exhibitionism; raw sexual energy could be found everywhere.

It wouldn't be long before the feeling that was coursing over my skin and through my veins would be more than adrenaline. I found myself in a dark bar, surrounded by friends who had their eyes on me but my eyes were only on us. A man, a master of the violet wand, who would open up my world. Who would soon be tearing screaming electricity up my skirt, across my body, and down my exposed cleavage.

This was the experience that would change it all.

I could feel the eyes of people around me. They came back to tell me later they saw the moment I lost myself to the spacey feeling of pure pleasure. They watched as I made a quiet plea for him to touch me. And I don't know if anyone will ever know how close I was to cumming. There on that table where I was unable to control a side of me that wants to be free.

A side that was open enough to later strip down, be quite more than half naked in front of a bar full of people. I climbed up on that table, naked in only boots and panties and was taken to a place where I was in pure bliss. Hot, burning wax was being poured onto my flesh and all I could do was think.

I could hear what they were saying. The voices that were so far away. I heard words like "She's so pretty" or "lovely" or "she looks wonderful" floating in on little whispers as I stopped the tears from falling. For in that place, in the place where no one could reach me, in the place where pain pricks and pleases, I realized that I am flawed and I am always going to be that way. I lay there bare and exposed but my heart wept with the social anxiety of 20 years but as their words floated in and around me, carrying me on a cloud, I knew I was naked and I knew I was beautiful.

And I know I will be okay.

This party is not for the faint of heart. There are beatings. There are violent words. There is pain. But there is pleasure. There is a world of understanding and it is waiting to be found. If you think you're interested in this, don't wait. Please, don't hesitate to feel this.

**Image Credit: electroplyr - ArtoftheVioletWand.com

So what? It didn't work.

Sex is an interesting thing sometimes. We all know it can be fun and romantic. We know it can be dull or thrilling. But sometimes we like to forget that it can be awkward and complicated.

There are a lot of things that could go wrong to make things weird. Bodily functions alone are enough to ruin your romp. That is what I wanted you to know. That's what I have dealt with and that's what a lot of people can't handle. But here is the thing, sometimes...

His dick just won't work.

And it isn't (always) your fault.

There really are a lot of factors that can contribute to this and they don't all have to do to with you.

And here's something important to note, the same thing happens to girls. Sometimes, we just are not going to get off.

I've been on all sides of this. I've fucked up and done something that had an adverse effect (who knew not everyone was a masochist!). I've had guys that praised me and reassured me it wasn't my fault and it felt wonderful but their body was working against them. I've had extreme pleasure and still never made it to orgasm. And I've had boys that needed a few lessons on female anatomy.

It happens. Please don't allow it to make you feel insecure or less sexy. All you have to do is communicate with your partner. And don't be afraid to stop. You can always try again later.

If this is happening to you and you're the one struggling to get it up or off, stop thinking about it. If you think about it and focus on why it isn't happening, it won't happen. And you don't have anything to apologize for. Don't make excuses, don't be mean, and just accept that sex can't always be perfect.