The Art & My Lack Thereof of Self-Seduction

It is no big secret that I currently sell sex toys for a living. I like the opportunity that it affords me to find things that might help people get their rocks off. The one thing that I have come to realize is that people want to know what you like; what gets you off. Maybe they think they're doing it wrong. Maybe they only want to talk to someone who fucking gets it.

But you know my secret? I suck at masturbating.

I've been asked to masturbate on camera, send pictures, etc. but I always say no. Because watching grass grow is going to be more exciting than watching me masturbate. I can promise you that.

I don't like to seduce myself. My body doesn't react to my touch the way it will to someone else. I can't touch my ears and make my whole body tingle. I can't light my nipples on fire with my tongue. I've never once been able to convince myself to get off with my fingers. What I like...and what I need...is for my masturbation sessions to be over quickly. 20 seconds is fine for me.

I can still recommend you the best realistic dildo there is, but stop asking which one I would use. If I am going to use a realistic dildo, it is going to be a real fucking penis attached to a living breathing person. Otherwise, sorry boys but penises aren't that pretty.

I can still tell you which rabbit is going to be the best, do the most, and have the best quality but I don't like them and I won't use them. As a sidenote, the beaded ones freak me out.

But if you want a good clit toy, oh girl, I've got you. My clit toys are all valued somewhere over $300 if you totaled them all up. And they're all different. Because when I am by myself, and it is just me, that is really all that matters. I like to lay there with the vibrations literally in hand, watch porn or read a story, get off, and sleep. That is what I want.

I'm not sorry that isn't sexy enough for you.

71% of Women & I'm Not One of Them

Someone once gave me a complex about orgasms. They told me I was hard to get off.

The problem is when someone is going down on me, I kind of expect magic. I expect that I should be getting off immediately and I know that it feels good, it is erotic to look down and see someone's head buried between my legs and it really is one of my favorite things. However, even though it feels good, if the moment doesn't happen early on my mind begins to wander and I get frustrated. I get nervous that they're going to get tired or upset.

Those nerves and those frustrations of my own make orgasming orally nearly impossible at times.

But...I'm lucky...

You see, unlike 71% of women, I can orgasm from actual penetration during sex!

As long as my partner can hold on and hold out, we've got this in the vag bag.

A couple things to remember is that different women orgasm from different stimulus. It isn't all just about ass, titties, and twat. Each part our body is laced with different nerves and they all provide different sensations. That said, it is really up to your body to decide what it likes, then it is up to you to tend those needs.

Some things to keep in mind:

• Talk with your partner

Tell him/her what it is that you like. Don't be afraid to voice what you want. Use words like harder, slower, faster, up, down, or even full changes like "use your fingers". It is no strange occurrence for me to yell "Bite me" during oral sex. It is usually going to give me that extra stimulus (and also bruises).

• Don't think about it

If you start thinking about it and stressing out it won't happen. I know this for a fact. I also know that it is much easier said than done. But if you find you're mind wandering, switch it up. Change position. Go from oral to intercourse. Do something. Even taking a small break from oral can give you the piece of mind that when he continues, s/he wants to be there. And it is a little bit of the give and take to know they're getting something, too. 

• Accept how your body reacts

I've received a variety of orgasms in my experience. Oral, vaginal, anal...and something special. Our bodies are like little road maps to beautiful destinations and you should really take the scenic route. You honestly never know what you will find. The term "Hidden G Spot" is one that you may discover has quite magical properties.

Orgasms for a lot of people are not the end goal of intimacy. They are for me. Do any of you go through anything like this? Trouble getting your rocks off? Is it easier to masturbate? We won't talk about faking but I'm sure we have all been there. Share your thoughts with me in the comments.

Image Credit: Eric Amaranth

Reader Response: Fetish Confessions

There are so many fetishes in the world. It can be a little overwhelming and I like to talk about all of them. I'm not going to understand every one of them, I'm not going to do every one of them, but I'm going to do a lot of them. But today's question isn't about me, check it out.

An anonymous Facebooker writes:

What is the weirdest fetish that a guy has ever confessed to you?

The hardest part of this is accepting whether or not something is weird. Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I see it as weird, I just see it as another aspect of being a fetishist. I mean you have scat, beastiality, pain, feet, bondage, etc. Anyone who was considerably tamer than me would think those are all pretty weird but I can't find it that way. But I was able to dredge up something.

It seems that cum is such a big thing for boys.

Personally, facials don't do it for me. I find when I see it in a girls' eye, I get worried for her well being. And when I see it in her hair, I suddenly remember how horrible it is to get out of my hair.

And it is probably for these type of reasons that cum funneling takes the cake for the weirdest fetish. 

The way I see the deeds are done and there is no need to play with it afterwards.

For those who are wondering, cum funneling is when a bunch of guys cum all over her hot twat and they collect it in a pan or bucket as it runs off. Bet you can guess what happens next! They funnel right back inside of her! That just seems tedious and more sticky than I would want to get wrapped up in after I've already gotten my rocks off. But that is just me. I support the fact that it exists and its out there turning people on.

And for those of you playing at home, this question has given way to a new feature I will run on the blog #FetishConfessions. Hot and steamy interview style confessionals that you can be a part of! I will always keep your responses confidential and anonymous unless you ask me otherwise. You can hit up the comments, the contact box, or email me! I do need an email if we're going to talk about this, I'm sure I won't disappoint!

Reader Response: My Orgasms

So I added this really cool gadget thing on the sidebar (see it there on the right?) that says you can totally ask me any question you want. Its going to get delivered to me and you can be totally anonymous if you want. Then, I'm going to be awesome and I'm going to answer those questions. Because that is what this fucking blog is about! Talking about this stuff!

You might even find this may not even be empowering so much as personal and naughty and sexy and any other adjective I could come up with to talk about sex. But I got a question pretty much immediately after adding the feature so yay!

Today's question comes from Brittany:

I admire you tremendously for posting about such a personal subject. When you first learned that you had primal orgasms, was it with a partner or self-exploration? I'm just so fascinated by your orgasms and how intense they are. Are you able to explain more on how your body reacts with such an intense orgasm?

The easy answer is that I had my first orgasms by myself. I didn't really have partners who really knew what they were doing until I went into college so it fell to me to handle it. I never really thought anything of it though until I was put on display with a partner for the first time.

When I had my first "walk-of-shame" is when I really began to shy away from them and feel a little more self-conscious about them.

And just like I mentioned in the post, with new partners its always a little intimidating but when they come back to me and tell me how hot it was, they can see that they were the reason for it so it is a win-win. It is really painful for me to try to be quiet. I can do it but nothing is as freeing as being as loud as my body (my soul) needs to be.

Over-cum My Fears

I admit defeat that the pun in this title is absolutely abhorrent. But I had to have something that got the point across. Something that says people have things about sex that make them nervous, that keep them from being confident in bed and you have to figure out what those are to work on them.

Let's face it. I Have turned into someone who just puts her sex life out on the line like a lady dons a hat for the Kentucky Derby. I don't have any problem talking about the things that make me one of two things:

Naïve or Hott

You have to take the good with the bad.

It is at this point I hate my soul because [The Guy] has me thinking YOLO might actually have merit. And I kind of feel the need to use it in this context. We are all going to have bad sex. We are all going to have good sex. But it requires you to make a sort of sacrifice. You have to give your trust to your partner and you have to put down your inhibitions so that the both of enjoy yourselves.

So to make this transition a little easier, I thought it would be helpful to share my biggest fears that I have since overcome. And instead of rambling, you'll get some serious insight into my psyche over the next few days!

The first fear/lack of confidence was over:

My Orgasms

So this is OBVIOUSLY something that is the goal whenever you're doing something sexual. There are other things and I am realistic enough to know it doesn't happen every time but I digress. It is still important.

When I first found out what an orgasm really was (you should feel sorry for my first boyfriend, poor guy) I was quite easily enthralled by the feeling. However, at this point I had seen enough to porn to know that I didn't really do what happened in the movies. When I started having orgasms from other people (gasp!) it got really interesting and pretty embarrassing really quickly.

I thought that girls were supposed to shriek loudly, squint their eyes and curl their toes. That is not what happens to me. Not at all. I'm all primal. And very loud. That was a really intimidating thing for me to talk about and left me with the feeling of the "walk of shame" all the time. But then I started to branch out. I had more partners and lots more sex and something happened.

Partners (not just full sex partners) were asking me "Do you always cum that hard?" And all I could say was yes and watch the lust grow in their eyes. In that moment, I realized people were turned on by that! What?! People were totally digging my animalistic climaxes. And now that is all I can think about. Suddenly, its all I want for my partners, [The Guy] or otherwise, to watch my face in the throws of every passionate moment I am having.

Okay, so maybe I didn't have to do much on my own about this particular fear but it was a hurdle nonetheless. There is going to be a time when you find the partner who absolutely digs everything about you. And until you do, you have to feel comfortable in them. If you're not and you're worrying about it, then you're not having fun. If you're not having fun, what is the point in having sex?