And so I Wrote a Letter...

I wrote a letter and it cost me my dignity and my self respect. The letter went a little something like this:

I'm going to be frank and dominant here and say maybe we should just fuck. We can take away the pressure of being friends and trying to hang out. Let's face it, we have rock star sex together and maybe that is all it needs to be. If you don't respond, I will go and I won't bother you again. But I thought I would try.

This is so wrong. This is so pathetic. But it happened. Let me tell you why it happened, why it shouldn't have happened, and how to get your self-respect back.

Why It Happened
I know that I am not in alone in being upset when a girl loses access to good sex. I've already less-than-humble-bragged about how amazing that I thought sex was with [The Guy] so I won't go into it too much. I will just recap that he was close to being pretty damn nearly perfect. Orgasms from just being inside me and the such. With that said, when I realized things were taking a sour turn, I tried (desperately) to hold on to that sex.

I didn't want anything from him but what my body could feel from his. I thought that if the knew that I was okay just fucking, he would get over whatever weird thing was happening and I could keep getting laid. And so the letter happened.

But it shouldn't have.

Did you miss the DESPERATE part? Jeez. Instead of wondering where I was going to get my next dick fix, I should have been telling myself to get a fucking grip. There was no way that this letter could have had a positive result. I mean it was literally impossible for that to end well. And it didn't. Going into it he had been ignoring me, did I think that this was going to work miracles? No, it really just served to stress me out, make me revise what I was trying to say, and then feel bad when nothing ever came of it.

But it isn't the end of the world.

You can build your self-respect back up (read: I can). 
But we have to be willing to LET THIS GO. The only thing that I can boast about being is that I am human. I am beautiful and I am perfect in my flaws. We all are. We are all flawed and we are not infallible and shit like this is going to happen.

In our lives and in our sexual journeys, we are going to find people that come and go and we have to embrace that. Even monogamous relationships will come and go for some. But you can't let the relationship with other people define you.

I tracked the fuck-up with [The Guy] to the moment he saw me in the bar when I was alone. I guess he didn't want me mingling with his life. Cue the ignoring. That was weird. He knew I wanted to try bars and try new things. All I wanted to do was listen to good music and dance. But that didn't work for him and he wouldn't let me explain.

So a couple weeks later, I made plans to go to a party. I later realized he would have plans to go to this party and so I decided to make sure I looked really nice and sexy. Gussied up real nice in my short dress and my kick-ass boots and ready to dance the night away. And when we saw each other, I could have yo-yo'd into a self absorbed cloud of doubt but instead, I danced better, had more beer, and held control over the situation. Because that is what I deserved. 

Don't shy away from facing him and letting you know he fucking passed up the rare opportunity to sleep with you. Because that is a chance no one should be wasting.

The Things I Fucked Up

I'm 27 and I've never really been too much into the dating scene. I had a really long relationship through college, lost my virginity to him, moved in with him, etc. He and I met on Myspace as locals and it just sort of happened. It wasn't like I got picked up after class or hit on a sporting event it just happened online. It happened pretty quickly in fact.

6 years later we split up and I'm facing the world of first dates. I mean I am sure I will write about those too but for now, let's talk about let me rant about the things I did to fuck up the casual dating scene. Particularly my crash and burn with [The Guy]. What? You thought my awesome twat was enough to sustain that rock star sex? Yeah, me too.

Using the book, Why Men Love Bitches, as a starting point, I have made my own list of What-The-Fuck-Were-You-Thinking-Leila moves (aka Life Lessons) that could save your love (read: sex) life later! For the record, these are in no particular order.

Tried too hard to pursue him
It wasn't like the world revolved around him. I didn't even want to be his girlfriend. I did want to be his friend for the record. But I can say that I probably spammed a little too much in the texts, and I was a little too available for someone who couldn't make much time for me. It added a lot of pressure to a situation that needed to be lax. Life lesson: Remember to just "be". It is to fucking cliche to say go with the flow but really, just let this shit happen.

Gave away the goods
Come on, we all know I slept with him on the first date. Over 1000 people have read What I Learned From Sex on the First Date, so it is no secret. And I will never regret that. Regretting good sex is something you just don't do. But...I put out a lot of stuff the first few rounds we knocked back. Stuff usually saved for way later like period sex or anal sex. Exploration and trying new things. I was even on top! It was wonderful and intense but ultimately left nothing in the bag for surprises. Life lesson: Don't tilt your hand before the end of the game.

Moved into his territory
So he inspired me to try new fucking things...big deal. I went to a bar...by myself. I just happen to roll up into a place where he was already chilling. Now, I bet you're wondering what the big deal is. You see, going to the bar solo is a big deal for me...I may have been a little anxious and stressed while fighting my biggest fear and source of anxiety...ever. So I may have been a little spastic. Maybe. Doesn't mean I am psycho-stalker-bitch. Life lesson: Keep your fucking cool.

Totally Transparent
I made it apparent that I thought he was hott, I was interested, and that he was on my mind quite often. It would be different to think those things but I may have consistently reminded him. I just wanted him to know, I certainly want people to tell me those things. But I couldn't see the line and I am sure I crossed it. My bad. Life lesson: Stay mysterious.

Drunk texts are always bad
It shouldn't have mattered that he insisted on seeing me tipsy texting, my brain just lets it go and I always said things that left me feeling like an apology was needed. This probably isn't the worse thing that someone could do but I ended up rambling about a married, expectant father who was hitting on me in texts and making me uncomfortable. Seriously, not cute and not something I would have talked about with him sober. Life lesson: When you're drunk or too bored, have your best friend hide your phone. Just don't forget to turn the ringer off because then you're like a bloodhound the minute it goes off. Not worth it...believe me.

Each person is inherently different. It is where we get the saying "different strokes for different folks" and that is just how the human experience is supposed to be. However, there can be general things to keep in mind and I think that is the thing to take away from this. If you're a dude, I strongly encourage you to just man up and tell her what is going on in your head. I know it is hard and you're weird and you're awkward but damn, don't be a dick. Girls, we're still human and we're going to screw up. Be prepared to either apologize or slap your sexy boots back and on keep walking. We are always have a lot of questions and what-ifs in life; sex and dating will be one but that isn't the end of everything.

Braving the Waters: Trying Something New

It's totally alright for me to admit that I am 27 years old and I am coming into my own sexuality and I really have just embraced that I have a vulgar disposition and love to talk about raunchy things and be perverse and breakdown the barriers of talking about sex!

And I couldn't be having more fun doing it. Because you guys have been so great in accepting my weird and personal stories. You've had so much support to offer each other and such wonderful compliments.

But let me tell you what still gets to me. The fact that people want to hear about the intimate details of my sex life. It is an erotic feeling to just hang my dirty laundry in the front yard for everyone to see. So I will share something extremely intimate. Provocative and terrifying at the same time.

I had to try something new. 

Are you let down? Was that not the awesome thing you were expecting? Let me assure you that trying something new with a new partner can be humiliating. It can go disastrously wrong and it takes a hell of a lot of ovaries (or balls if you're so penisishly inclined) to fucking go for it. Usually, it is always going to be worth it even if you don't like it. If you don't enjoy it, now you know.

Let me set the scenario for you. You've been scrolling some PornHub or YouPorn when you come across a whole new idea that you have never seen. Before you realize it you're watching the whole sub-genre and can't contain your loins. Then comes the "WTF? What is this I don't even..." moment. Then comes the realization that you're really into it.

I've been here. I've been in that exact same spot.

My fetish? Pegging.

Go ahead. Blush. I am. I'm laying this bare so you can see how we have all truly been there. But if you're thinking that I am going to tell you I have tried pegging...not quite. But baby steps.

I finally have found a partner in [The Guy] that has green-lighted anal play. I've been intrigued by this but when it came up, I turned weird shades of red and hid my face because it was hard to look at him in that moment. In a moment that wasn't for him but put me in a place where I was ready to crawl into a ball and felt like the virgin I kind of was. Did I mention I wanted to curl up into a ball?

Here I was being all sexy and shit and being enticed to try something new and was terrified. Terrified of hurting him, terrified of being terrible, but so turned on.

Do you want to know the key factor in the ultimate success of trying something new? Communication.

In the middle of everything, I stopped, took a breath and asked him if he was comfortable being my guinea pig. Yeah, I said guinea pig in bed. Big deal. I told him I was nervous and scared and totally new. His response was exactly what it should have been. Supportive and guiding and ultimately led to a great experience for the both of us.

When it is all said and done, I think we all have to tell ourselves "Hell yeah, just go for it" and do it. If you're thirsty for new experiences remember you can only go so long without something to drink.

For your further benefit, I found this video about milking the prostate. Here. Laugh.

What I Learned from Sex on the First Date

We are all grown up to know that not every date we go on is going to be exactly the same. Some are going to make for great stories because you had to tell the guy your lips weren't chew toys. Some are going to end after one coffee and an awkward handshake. Some will end in explosive orgasms and that is that.

Now whether or not those orgasms come from sex is entirely up to you and the person lucky enough to be spending time with you. You have to admit, you're pretty awesome. But even if it doesn't end in sex, sometimes a grown up just needs to give in to the raging whore-moans and live.

That is exactly what I did.

And I lived on those orgasms for hours.

And when they were gone, I realized the intensity of my situation. I had done the unthinkable...the girl who saved her virginity for 19 years had her pants seduced off and fell right into bed on a first date. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now sometimes you wonder, who reads this, and if he is reading this, its even better. A distinct feeling returns to my loins to think he knows he did a good job.

But this sex...this sex above all the sex I have had, taught me things about myself.

1) #Bootfetish

Who knew I would ever feel as sexy wearing a pair of calf-high boots. The sheer amount of sex appeal that was dropping off me in those boots that elongated my legs and gave me that Mistress feeling was out of this world. It was over 9-fucking-thousand!

The days following this, I wore my boots and my self esteem was through the roof. I also went on boots craze on instagram, sharing the sexy through the inter-nether.

2) I'm Not Shy

Through some pretty stellar conversation, I come to the conclusion that I'm not a shy person. I'm quiet until I know you. It is like innocent until proven guilty but with different repercussions.

The defining moment is when the conversation revealed that shy people don't want attention. I am a mild attention whore. I don't want to be the center of attention but I definitely want some of it. I am loud and I want my opinions heard and I want to be listened to. Believe me, some things were not things someone shy does the first time with a new partner. I mean, whoa!

3) Sex Does NOT Make You Fall in Love

Alright, it isn't like we didn't know this before but really, sex doesn't make you fall in love with someone. It can deepen a connection and it can do all these things to enhance your feelings but I don't just bang someone, roll over for cuddles, look up and think, "Wow, I love you". It is just not a thing that happens.

Girls are capable of just sex. Maybe it is guys that have the problem?

4) Sex Appeal Comes from You

You can have the body of some mythical greek goddess, I certainly don't, but without knowing you are sexy, you just aren't going to be that awesome. I have grown to love my body and love the way it feels and love the way other people feel against it and I know that and I flaunt it.

Finding the right water with a new partner is a little weird and could put you in an awkward spot but when you hit it, feel it and let it consume you. You are sexy and you are about to get laid.

And alright, alright, last one...

5) Sometimes Ya Gotta Do What Ya Gotta Do

I'm a girl who lives with her emotions on her skin and just listens to them at every call. I also know that when I masturbate, it doesn't calm down any sexy nerves, I will still be as horny as a rowdy cowgirl at a rodeo. There was a point break with him where I was so fucking flabbergasted by how hott he was that unless I wanted to spend the next week wet and rowdy, I had to be a "responsible-irresponsible" adult. And so I did.  Best decision ever.