Guest Post: Sexuality Self Discovery

Snarky Sass has been blogging here for a year and I've been wracking my brain to figure out what I would write for her. I’d considered writing about my vanilla tastes and about losing my virginity until I was 26, but nothing seemed right. It’s funny, though; that what I’m going to write about in some way incorporates both of those things. Consider my guest post today a coming out of sorts. I’m demisexual.

Consider LGBTQIAAP. I've heard of heterosexual, homosexual, and recently asexual and pansexual, but … demisexual? To be perfectly honest, I didn't know even know what that meant until recently, but it has opened up a world of knowledge and understanding about myself that I’m so fortunate to be absorbing. So, how did I get here and what does it mean and how can it relate to you?

As previously mentioned, I lost my virginity at 26 and I’m now 27 and have had one sexual partner. In 2013, I wrote a note to one of my favorite Youtubers for her weekly Q&A show and confessed to being a 26 year old virgin. I asked her advice as I was worried how I’d be perceived. Her response was fantastic and made me feel so much better about myself. Fast forward to later that year when I ended up having a short-lived sexual relationship with a good friend. We were very close and had formed an emotional bond over the course of our revived friendship. This ended very abruptly when he decided to pursue another woman and break it off. I was hurt and confused. The sting of rejection was very real and I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I spent the majority of 2014 wondering that as I looked around at the people that I know with healthy sex lives, some with multiple partners. I thought I was defective.

I share that very personal part of my life to explain something. I never really understood why I hadn't lost my virginity before then. I always thought it was just because I was a big girl. I blamed a lot of my lack of relationships on my weight. I realize now that I was not out seeking them either. As I reflect, even my profiles on OkCupid or any other dating site has never been made for casual sex. I have never desired hookups, but of the few guys that I’ve talked to or casually dated over the course of my adult life, I've never had sex with any of them. Because I didn’t want to. At first I thought it was because I wasn't “ready.” In truth, I just never found them sexually attractive or we did not have a strong enough connection for me to warrant opening myself up to another person in that way.

I now know that I am demisexual, which is on the asexual spectrum. Once I read a description (A demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction after an emotional bond (not necessarily romantic) is formed), I felt a sudden release of relief. Could this be the name for what I’ve felt all of these years? The idea of sex appeals to me, but I never have been able to imagine myself having casual sex with someone that I’m not somehow committed to.

I’m not defective; I’m not broken. I just do sexuality in a different way. It has to mean something. I’m not a prude. I don’t need to lower my standards. I just have to feel. I have to connect. For me, it’s not just emotion, it’s romance, it’s intellectual. Brainy is the new sexy, after all.

This new information has answered so many questions that I've had about past experiences. When talking to a guy last year, I couldn't seal the deal, as it were. We’re friends, not good friends, but friends. But our bond isn't deep. I found him sensually attractive and the idea of cuddling with him and possibly kissing him was appealing, but the idea of anything beyond that repulsed me. That’s not his fault and it’s not my fault, we’re just not connected in that way. But we’d talk about it and I’d keep putting it off and putting it off. Now I know why.

I’m not sure how this will affect future relationships. I’m still learning so much and I will have to figure out how to mitigate the backlash that I may receive when I have to tell someone that I might not be interested in them sexually. I do prefer sex with men, which makes me a demi-heterosexual. And it’s not as if I’m absolutely repulsed by sex. I still get aroused, but I don’t care for porn and I masturbate generally to relieve stress. Even still, imaging myself with the right partner gives me a rush. It makes me crave, hunger, and yearn. I still love the idea of sex, but for me, it just carries a lot more weight than for others.

So, yeah, here’s my coming out post. I’m demisexual. I’m new to this non-binary sexuality thing, so I’m looking to hopefully connect with a community, the same way that Snarky Sass has with the fetish community. It feels really good to understand this part of myself. I feel free in a way that I hadn't before.

Just Call Me Katy Perry...

Because I kissed a girl and I liked it!

So this is my "coming-out-but-have-nothing-to-come-out-about" post. I hope you're prepared for my secrets.

The story here is that once upon a time I went through that phase. The phase where you really just want to glomp the faces of all your friends. The phase where you think the ladies are so gorgeous, you just want to touch them; everywhere.

I went through that phase well until the moment that I had my first dick. For a while after that time I still identified as bisexual. I've been through the gambit with it too. I had a couple girlfriends, a couple girl crushes, and I actually came out to the roommate that I had in college. I have been called a carpet-muncher. I have attended HRC events. I was and am always pretty proud of who I am.

But sexuality can be fluid. My attractions change and so do my desires. Sexuality is exactly what we make it to be. Now, I see things as more flowing and intense than in black and white. Well, maybe I just like to say fuck labels. If you asked me the black and white question today, I would identify as straight. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't (or don't want) to make love to a beautiful woman. I would.

My first experience with a girl was in middle school. I will always remember her. The way her breasts felt in my hands. Sometimes the details get a little blurry with age but I will never forget her face or how hopelessly addicted to her I was.

But that would be replaced a few years later in high school by a couple girls. They were both my best friends. The first was so small and beautifully gentle. Her skin was delicious and soft and she came unknowingly close to giving me my first orgasm. But she has her own post someday. The next was a tan beauty who would grow not only to be the first girl to feel the inside of my body but would be the closest I have ever been to a threesome. There have been a smattering of beautiful girls around those ladies as well. I can't count them on one hand anymore at the very least.

My life as a sexual story consists of fucking beautiful people. 

Everyone should feel so comfortable in their sexuality and attraction. Bodies and whore-moans work in interesting ways and it usually just pays to listen to them.

And for the record, Cristina Scabbia is the absolute most perfect woman that I have ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on. Oh! The things I would do to her body would be scrumptious and delicious for the both of us.

As a side note, I don't believe in the idea that you chose a sexuality or that it makes sense for women to fuck women because only we know what we like. I believe you accept your partner and you fuck them until they can't walk straight. That is all.

Image Credit: Etsy artist DrawMeASong

Image Credit: RockerWikia - Cristina Scabbia

Introverted Contradiction

Even the snarkiest bitches can honestly have trouble talking to people. The place that I find myself these days is just a walking contradiction of my closeted self on the front lines of battle with the known self. The extrovert vs. the introvert.

The Extrovert
I want to do ALL THE THINGS! Somewhere inside me, in the place the sun never touches, I have developed a thirst to try new experiences. Its always been there, but it hasn't always been as obvious as it is now. Its pretty much at the level I imagine a boy with a raging boner in the middle of class is at: fucking obvious. And it is totally clashing with everything that has previously been my "nature". Damn, I know people change but it is like I don't know where the old me ends and the new Leila beings.  Old me is (read: always has been)...

The Introvert
I mean up until very recently, I would have even identified as shy. It seems it is not so much shy as it is a form of social anxiety and claustrophobia of large crowds. I have to be able to admit this if I am ever going to overcome it and I don't want to be held back by panic attacks and quiet attitudes. Hell, my attitude is anything but quiet these days. And that is what is resulting in...

The Battle
Fuck! I really just want to ask a boy out without having 4+ drafted text messages. I should just be able to say "Hey, lets hang out" but that just isn't happening. It's more like Hi, I have some free time  Hey, I would really like to  Hey, wanna hang and the list just goes on!

Dammit what is so hard about the chick asking the dick to hang? So what if it is to hang out with his wang out? It doesn't matter, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

And to top it off, I'm not a loner party and that means that my extrovert is at a severe disadvantage when trying to raise its pretty head.

Which leaves me thinking: How do I fix this fucking problem? I'm sick of living my life by labels that don't define me anymore. We really all need to fight against labels and take charge of the lives we want to live.

And that time is now.