And so I Wrote a Letter...

I wrote a letter and it cost me my dignity and my self respect. The letter went a little something like this:

I'm going to be frank and dominant here and say maybe we should just fuck. We can take away the pressure of being friends and trying to hang out. Let's face it, we have rock star sex together and maybe that is all it needs to be. If you don't respond, I will go and I won't bother you again. But I thought I would try.

This is so wrong. This is so pathetic. But it happened. Let me tell you why it happened, why it shouldn't have happened, and how to get your self-respect back.

Why It Happened
I know that I am not in alone in being upset when a girl loses access to good sex. I've already less-than-humble-bragged about how amazing that I thought sex was with [The Guy] so I won't go into it too much. I will just recap that he was close to being pretty damn nearly perfect. Orgasms from just being inside me and the such. With that said, when I realized things were taking a sour turn, I tried (desperately) to hold on to that sex.

I didn't want anything from him but what my body could feel from his. I thought that if the knew that I was okay just fucking, he would get over whatever weird thing was happening and I could keep getting laid. And so the letter happened.

But it shouldn't have.

Did you miss the DESPERATE part? Jeez. Instead of wondering where I was going to get my next dick fix, I should have been telling myself to get a fucking grip. There was no way that this letter could have had a positive result. I mean it was literally impossible for that to end well. And it didn't. Going into it he had been ignoring me, did I think that this was going to work miracles? No, it really just served to stress me out, make me revise what I was trying to say, and then feel bad when nothing ever came of it.

But it isn't the end of the world.

You can build your self-respect back up (read: I can). 
But we have to be willing to LET THIS GO. The only thing that I can boast about being is that I am human. I am beautiful and I am perfect in my flaws. We all are. We are all flawed and we are not infallible and shit like this is going to happen.

In our lives and in our sexual journeys, we are going to find people that come and go and we have to embrace that. Even monogamous relationships will come and go for some. But you can't let the relationship with other people define you.

I tracked the fuck-up with [The Guy] to the moment he saw me in the bar when I was alone. I guess he didn't want me mingling with his life. Cue the ignoring. That was weird. He knew I wanted to try bars and try new things. All I wanted to do was listen to good music and dance. But that didn't work for him and he wouldn't let me explain.

So a couple weeks later, I made plans to go to a party. I later realized he would have plans to go to this party and so I decided to make sure I looked really nice and sexy. Gussied up real nice in my short dress and my kick-ass boots and ready to dance the night away. And when we saw each other, I could have yo-yo'd into a self absorbed cloud of doubt but instead, I danced better, had more beer, and held control over the situation. Because that is what I deserved. 

Don't shy away from facing him and letting you know he fucking passed up the rare opportunity to sleep with you. Because that is a chance no one should be wasting.

The Things I Fucked Up

I'm 27 and I've never really been too much into the dating scene. I had a really long relationship through college, lost my virginity to him, moved in with him, etc. He and I met on Myspace as locals and it just sort of happened. It wasn't like I got picked up after class or hit on a sporting event it just happened online. It happened pretty quickly in fact.

6 years later we split up and I'm facing the world of first dates. I mean I am sure I will write about those too but for now, let's talk about let me rant about the things I did to fuck up the casual dating scene. Particularly my crash and burn with [The Guy]. What? You thought my awesome twat was enough to sustain that rock star sex? Yeah, me too.

Using the book, Why Men Love Bitches, as a starting point, I have made my own list of What-The-Fuck-Were-You-Thinking-Leila moves (aka Life Lessons) that could save your love (read: sex) life later! For the record, these are in no particular order.

Tried too hard to pursue him
It wasn't like the world revolved around him. I didn't even want to be his girlfriend. I did want to be his friend for the record. But I can say that I probably spammed a little too much in the texts, and I was a little too available for someone who couldn't make much time for me. It added a lot of pressure to a situation that needed to be lax. Life lesson: Remember to just "be". It is to fucking cliche to say go with the flow but really, just let this shit happen.

Gave away the goods
Come on, we all know I slept with him on the first date. Over 1000 people have read What I Learned From Sex on the First Date, so it is no secret. And I will never regret that. Regretting good sex is something you just don't do. But...I put out a lot of stuff the first few rounds we knocked back. Stuff usually saved for way later like period sex or anal sex. Exploration and trying new things. I was even on top! It was wonderful and intense but ultimately left nothing in the bag for surprises. Life lesson: Don't tilt your hand before the end of the game.

Moved into his territory
So he inspired me to try new fucking things...big deal. I went to a bar...by myself. I just happen to roll up into a place where he was already chilling. Now, I bet you're wondering what the big deal is. You see, going to the bar solo is a big deal for me...I may have been a little anxious and stressed while fighting my biggest fear and source of anxiety...ever. So I may have been a little spastic. Maybe. Doesn't mean I am psycho-stalker-bitch. Life lesson: Keep your fucking cool.

Totally Transparent
I made it apparent that I thought he was hott, I was interested, and that he was on my mind quite often. It would be different to think those things but I may have consistently reminded him. I just wanted him to know, I certainly want people to tell me those things. But I couldn't see the line and I am sure I crossed it. My bad. Life lesson: Stay mysterious.

Drunk texts are always bad
It shouldn't have mattered that he insisted on seeing me tipsy texting, my brain just lets it go and I always said things that left me feeling like an apology was needed. This probably isn't the worse thing that someone could do but I ended up rambling about a married, expectant father who was hitting on me in texts and making me uncomfortable. Seriously, not cute and not something I would have talked about with him sober. Life lesson: When you're drunk or too bored, have your best friend hide your phone. Just don't forget to turn the ringer off because then you're like a bloodhound the minute it goes off. Not worth it...believe me.

Each person is inherently different. It is where we get the saying "different strokes for different folks" and that is just how the human experience is supposed to be. However, there can be general things to keep in mind and I think that is the thing to take away from this. If you're a dude, I strongly encourage you to just man up and tell her what is going on in your head. I know it is hard and you're weird and you're awkward but damn, don't be a dick. Girls, we're still human and we're going to screw up. Be prepared to either apologize or slap your sexy boots back and on keep walking. We are always have a lot of questions and what-ifs in life; sex and dating will be one but that isn't the end of everything.