Dear Sabina: So You Want to Domme?

I decided to make a change and incorporate myself into the blog in a way that utilizes my sex-scene-name. We all have our vices and our stories, Sabina is mine, and come on, I had a thing for Dear Abby when I was 10.

I read your post about being a dominatrix for the first time and it sounds so wonderful. I've wanted to do this for my husband for a long time but I'm nervous. How can I get started?

Okay, so the first thing that you have to know is that I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on the matter. I'm not even what I would call experienced. I'm just a sadomasochist who put a lot of effort into studying how to be safe with [Aristotle] and how to really get going. I spent some time talking to someone who has been a Domme for several years and she has collared submissives.

That said, this has to really be a part of who you are. You don't have to have a Type A personality out of the gate and this may not all come naturally to you at first but you have to want it. If you are going to feel awkward and out of place, it will only hurt your morale. So start by getting into the right mindset that you are a beautiful woman, you're forceful, and the very nature of the world should bend to your will. 

Find rhythm and strength in what makes you feel comfortable. Are you going to want to be in charge, cause him/her pain, make them pleasure you? What do you want out of it? Yes, I want all of those things and that is okay, too.

If you want to make the serious jump into it, start with education and knowing the safe ways to tie or hit someone. Yes, there are rules and there are safety things it isn't all just hot kink, though it is that, too. Don't use self-cinching ties when you're getting started, they can be dangerous. Don't hit someone in the spine. It all seems like common sense but mistakes can happen.

I also recommend reading BDSM 101 which is written with a snarky attitude from the point of view from a professional submissive. It is a wonderful read and a wonderful way to get started. And join websites that provide forums for education and ideas.

And also, clothes. The right look will be a nice bolster to your confidence.

Reader's Response: Sexuality Concerns

I think that with this question it is important to remind people that I don't judge anyone. I take every question or every concern with the utmost respect and you can always feel free to ask me absolutely anything. I'm your safe zone because everyone fucking needs one sometimes.

My wife would like to try [pegging]. Does this have any hidden meanings about sexuality? Is she trying to tell me something?

I can't decide if you're asking if you should be concerned that she is bisexual or if this will effect your sexuality in anyway. Either way, the answer is absolutely not. Pegging has no bearing on anyone's sexuality. Straight men are still straight. Straight women are still straight.

Two things to note:

Pegging can be very empowering for women. It is a nice power exchange that allows the woman to take control and can be paired with strong fem-dom play or it can just be very sensual role reversal.

I know straight men and women who absolutely love it*. I'm an advocate for it and I would be happy to walk anyone through getting into it and set up with it.

Why are people so afraid of the fluidity of sex and sexuality, anyways?

*I also know bisexual, bi curious, and gay men and women who love it but that is obvious. But there are gay men that don't like it, for what its worth. Like I said... it isn't sexuality based. 

Reader Response: Hard Limits

What are your top three fetishes that you won't do?

Hard limits.

What are my biggest hard limits?

To be honest, I don't know if I would have known them until recently when I did a BDSM checklist to help me understand more about myself, my desires, what I wanted to experience, what I wanted to do to others, and what the difference between a soft and hard limit is.

But I have done that list, so I do know them.

#1: Anything related to bathroom functions. I know that encompasses a lot of them but this includes scat, watersports, diaper wearing, etc. If it is something that happens in or around a toilet, count me out. Smells, textures, germophobiness, its all just going to do more than turn me off. I promise. The one thing to note is that I have always been willing to pee on someone, but generally its a mutually reciprocal thing and that doesn't work for me. But is it is my hard limit, not yours.

#2: This...is a hard limit for life. Because I fucking hate the thought of it: DENTAL WORK. I mean, I can't even think of how that would be sexy. I would dead. Like actually dead because my heart just imploded. I hit the floor when I barely chipped a tooth. I can't. I just cannot.

#3: This one is a little more abstract. I don't like to do things that make me feel unsexy. If something physically is effecting the way that I look (i.e. fire cupping & gas masks) and makes me feel weird and awkward, the scene is broken. The magic is gone. I love my body and I love feeling sexy. I'm a wild woman when I feel sexy. I love sensation, pleasure, and pleasing but take away that sexy and that confidence and I'm done. It is why I struggle with rope even though I love it so much.

Well there, that is a hell of an interesting look into my psyche.

Reader's Response: What Was Your Worst?

It seems like the hornier I get the less I write. I suppose that is because I'm trying to not think about it all the time or that I am trying to fill my time...and myself if you know what I mean. But I'm still right here. And you can still ask me absolutely anything you want.

Like this DM I got on Twitter:

What was your worst sexual experience?

Well, I know everyone thinks that if a guy's dick doesn't work that is the most horrible thing you can think of to happen in the moment.

But I really just don't think so.

I think it is hard to really pick one that classifies as the worse. To answer this though, I think I will use my first time with a partner. Which doesn't count because first times aren't supposed to be awesome but nothing has been as bad as this...

My boy and I were going out on a date. He lived 8 hours away from me and had come in to visit! Aww, so sweet and things got hot and heavy quickly. I could make up all sorts of excuses for what I am about to share but it comes down to inexperience.

He and I pulled off to this secluded not-quite-a-street side road. I can't remember how awkwardly we got my clothes off but I can remember seeing his head between my legs while we thought he was giving me the pleasure of a lifetime. TWENTY-EIGHT ORGASMS! That's how many orgasms I had.

Just kidding. 

There, in the backseat of his mom's car, I never had a single orgasm. But I didn't know that at the time. I had no idea what a real orgasm was. I also did the whole Titanic hand wipe of the windows once they were foggy.

Not to mention, I seem to recall crying the first time I saw his penis.

Let's just not even go there. Just no.

Reader's Response: What Did You Do?

It really is a special thrill when people comment on blog posts outside of the blog. I get messages, and comments, and text messages and even SnapChats about posts. It makes me feel like I have ascended to bad-ass status!

Today's question comes from Twitter:

I read your post about the swinger club and BDSM night. I was curious if you included yourself or just observed.

The short answer is that I just observed...this time.

When I walked in to the bar, I was nervous and had the creepy clammy hands going on while I drained my vaporizer tank. I didn't know what to expect. Coming around the corner, I was greeted with the most erotic seen I have ever laid eyes one.

There was a beautifully naked woman on stage who was being roped and bound. She looked like she was in heaven. I was instantly drunk watching her.

Next to her, a woman was bent over the spanking benches with her skirt up around her waist.

I missed most of the party but I had never experienced anything so sensual and arousing. I didn't want to participate just then. I wanted to drink in the sights. There were flogging racks and I think I would very much like to be rigged to them one day. There were aftercare blankets because the community cares about safety and respect. It was wonderful. I will be back. I can't say I will get to participate very much as the newcomer but I will be back.

Image Credit: Boardwalk Empire

Reader's Response: Female Masturbation

It has been a a while since someone had a question for me to answer. I always love those nuggets of surprise in my email or in comments and messages!

Today's question was emailed in:

Women masturbation: Do most women just use their own fingers or do they prefer a dildo? Is a vibrator better than a dildo... that sort of thing.

First I feel that it is important to clarify... NOT EVERY WOMAN IS THE SAME.

There. I felt the need to yell that out to the world.

Because there are women who can finger themselves or play with their nipples, etc. to get themselves off.

I'm not one of them.

I almost exclusively require a vibrator to masturbate*.

It is a combination of my body not being sensitive to my own touches and the time and effort it can take to masturbate. I masturbate more when I'm trying to go to sleep than I do when I'm horny (do people still say horny?).

But honestly, their isn't a "most women" answer because it can vary wildly across every woman. Even the preference of dildo over vibrator would depend on if they penetrate or clit stimulate.

*Or a detachable shower head!

Reader Response: Big Beautiful Women

I love talking to the you guys. You have some of the most thought provoking ideas and the conversations just blossom. They lead to questions and then you and I keep coming back to each other.

Today's question is from such a conversation that I had with a friend and reader:

I don't like the pluz-size girl fetish. If someone likes me, I don't want it do be because of my weight but because of me. What are your thoughts on being a BBW?

Well, I know that I am a big and beautiful woman and after 20-something years, I am okay with that. I am okay with my body and I am okay with its flaws. With that said, I'm also okay with the BBW fetish. At least we're out of the cushion for the pushin' phase of this fetish.

That doesn't mean that there isn't a right way and a wrong way to handle it.

WRONG: Hey, you're hott. I only fuck fat chicks, they turn me on.

RIGHT: Please, don't worry about your weight; I think you are absolutely stunning/beautiful/etc.

For the record, I have BnT fetishes. Big and Tall or Bearded and Tattooed, take your pick. 

I think that in the end, we all want to be able to say that the physical aspects of someone don't matter that it is what is on the inside that counts but it isn't always like that. Certain physical features of people turn us on or off and we have to accept that about ourselves and others.

And, come on. That picture is a BBW-half-naked-librarian. I couldn't resist.

Image credit: nlforum.net

Reader Response: Cuckolding

You guys never seem cease to amaze me with how awesome you really are. When I put out a question to Twitter for your ideas and what you want to see discussed in Fetish Confessions, you came. I received an excellent question and an even more flattering compliment.

Today's question comes from a Twitter lovely:

What do you think of cuckolding? From the man and woman’s perspective in a relationship?

So I have to be honest and say that you and I, my beautiful reader, learn things from each other every day. Cuckolding is not what I thought it was. And so I have thought about this and slept on it and did my due diligence in research as well. And let me tell you, that you can sign me up for this.

But with tenuous conditions.

First, for those who don't know, cuckolding is when you bring another man into a married relationship for the purpose of stirring jealousy for arousal. This is a mental/psychological fetish where the man (the cuckold) is aroused and turned on by the thought of his wife being thrilled by not only another man, but in general a more endowed man, a younger man, a man that is everything he isn't. It is usually followed up with sharing the details, the clean up, or actually observing the transgressions.

Now as someone who isn't necessarily bent on an exclusive relationship right now, this could be something that I could really get into and really share with the right partner. However, as I mentioned there are conditions.

It seems that cuckolds and hotwives chose this as a lifestyle. I don't want to be forced into seducing other men and when I set out to have sex with my significant other, I don't want to talk about other people. I just want to fuck who I am with at that moment in time. I understand the desire and the lust behind sharing the details but as in all fetishes, it is a give and take. Give me my moment, I will give you yours.

The main thing that keeps lingering in my mind is that cuckolding is not an excuse to cheat. There is a hotwife and then there is a cheater. These are very different and it ultimately comes down to the one thing that people fail most at: communication. Sorry bitches, it's true. We all just suck at talking to each other sometimes.

As a side note, I'm not generally one for mental manipulation, humiliation, etc. forms of torture but this doesn't necessarily always have to fit that mold. I'm also inclined to just say give me a threesome!

Image Credit: Askmen.com

Reader Response: Fetish Confessions

There are so many fetishes in the world. It can be a little overwhelming and I like to talk about all of them. I'm not going to understand every one of them, I'm not going to do every one of them, but I'm going to do a lot of them. But today's question isn't about me, check it out.

An anonymous Facebooker writes:

What is the weirdest fetish that a guy has ever confessed to you?

The hardest part of this is accepting whether or not something is weird. Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I see it as weird, I just see it as another aspect of being a fetishist. I mean you have scat, beastiality, pain, feet, bondage, etc. Anyone who was considerably tamer than me would think those are all pretty weird but I can't find it that way. But I was able to dredge up something.

It seems that cum is such a big thing for boys.

Personally, facials don't do it for me. I find when I see it in a girls' eye, I get worried for her well being. And when I see it in her hair, I suddenly remember how horrible it is to get out of my hair.

And it is probably for these type of reasons that cum funneling takes the cake for the weirdest fetish. 

The way I see the deeds are done and there is no need to play with it afterwards.

For those who are wondering, cum funneling is when a bunch of guys cum all over her hot twat and they collect it in a pan or bucket as it runs off. Bet you can guess what happens next! They funnel right back inside of her! That just seems tedious and more sticky than I would want to get wrapped up in after I've already gotten my rocks off. But that is just me. I support the fact that it exists and its out there turning people on.

And for those of you playing at home, this question has given way to a new feature I will run on the blog #FetishConfessions. Hot and steamy interview style confessionals that you can be a part of! I will always keep your responses confidential and anonymous unless you ask me otherwise. You can hit up the comments, the contact box, or email me! I do need an email if we're going to talk about this, I'm sure I won't disappoint!

Reader Response: How Many?

I figured this question was looming somewhere in the minds of readers and it finally surfaced a few days ago and I have what I think is a pretty powerful response.

Today's question was from reader who wishes to remain anonymous:

How many sexual partners have you had?

There are a lot of things that I will answer and that I will put out there for everyone but answering the question about how many partners I have had isn't one of them.

I think that most people let their judgement sides out when people start talking about sex because apparently since I am comfortable with my sexuality and talking about it, I must be a whore.

But really that has nothing to do with anything. Its part of the reason I will not be answering this questions. 1...2...skip a few...99...100. None of that matters.

My goal is to share sex in a safe setting and open people up to their own sexuality. It has been a lot of hard work to be confident and it has required a lot of fuckups and through that experience I want to help other people find this strength. My number doesn't give quality to my experience and it doesn't give anyone anything to "strive" for and therefore it is irrelevant.

Besides, it isn't even something to be sassy about so why fucking bother?

Reader Response: Sexytime Places

You guys are really interested in the places I have had sex it seems. I wish I could say that I had more interesting answers but I will just keep being honest instead!

Today's question is from an anonymous reader:

What is the wildest non-bed place for sex?

See, I told you you guys were all interested in where I am getting the nanky on. I was literally just asked this in a game of Truth Jenga two days ago as well. Let's see. I can answer this in two separate responses.

Place I have had sex...
Well, I tried to have sex in a church parking lot once but it was a no go. I have had sex on the hood of a car as I talked about Exhibitionism. But, I'm going to say the first time that I had sex in a car it was off of a really humid country road and I was so tall that we had to have the doors open and we were being eaten by mosquitoes. It was so bad that he even killed a mosquito on the windshield that was there when we sold the car 3 years later. Don't ask.

Place I would like to have sex...
Well, there is random hot hook-up sex that could be in a bar bathroom. But I already talked about that too. (Apparently, I like to talk about having sex in places as much you guys are wanting to know!) I think that it would also be super hot to have sex in a public elevator that is being recorded on a security camera. So wildly inappropriate but totally would be amazing.

Keep submitting those questions guys! Ask about anything anonymously or claimed. Sex toys, fetishes, virginity, it is all game!

Reader Response: Exhibitionism

The question and response seems to be working out. All sorts of emails pouring in and all sorts of conversations are being had. Today's question comes from Justin:

Have you ever messed around in public?

Unless you count sex on the hood of a car...off a secluded country road...in the middle of an open field...under a full moon...public, then no, no I haven't. That isn't to say that I wouldn't want to. I think the idea of being caught makes me turned on and the idea of being so bold and not waiting to a safer place is also hott.

I've heard my fair share of public sex stories though. Someone I know once had sex in the baptismal water at their church. I've heard school bus stories and back stacks of the library stories but I don't have any of my own to share. I do however think that it would be super hott to sexy grind on the dance floor at a bar and proceed to be sexy ravaged in the bathroom. You know...like right out of a movie or something.

Reader Response: My Orgasms

So I added this really cool gadget thing on the sidebar (see it there on the right?) that says you can totally ask me any question you want. Its going to get delivered to me and you can be totally anonymous if you want. Then, I'm going to be awesome and I'm going to answer those questions. Because that is what this fucking blog is about! Talking about this stuff!

You might even find this may not even be empowering so much as personal and naughty and sexy and any other adjective I could come up with to talk about sex. But I got a question pretty much immediately after adding the feature so yay!

Today's question comes from Brittany:

I admire you tremendously for posting about such a personal subject. When you first learned that you had primal orgasms, was it with a partner or self-exploration? I'm just so fascinated by your orgasms and how intense they are. Are you able to explain more on how your body reacts with such an intense orgasm?

The easy answer is that I had my first orgasms by myself. I didn't really have partners who really knew what they were doing until I went into college so it fell to me to handle it. I never really thought anything of it though until I was put on display with a partner for the first time.

When I had my first "walk-of-shame" is when I really began to shy away from them and feel a little more self-conscious about them.

And just like I mentioned in the post, with new partners its always a little intimidating but when they come back to me and tell me how hot it was, they can see that they were the reason for it so it is a win-win. It is really painful for me to try to be quiet. I can do it but nothing is as freeing as being as loud as my body (my soul) needs to be.