The Rules of the Game

Your sexuality belongs to you. It is yours for the molding, the shaping, and the experiencing. Not a single person will ever experience it like you. So why are you letting them shape it for you?

You will face judgement at every turn in your life and your sex life is one of those. So fucking get over it and live it the way you want to. And if you think it is easier said than done, I'm doing it everyday. So here are my words of wisdom. The rules of the game.

27 is not too old to get fingered outside in the Applebee's parking lot.

You're never too experienced to ask for something brand new.

When that hot guy with the nice dick comes to town, fuck him.

Don't let a messy bedroom stop you from a nice lay.

Don't be afraid to be just a little selfish.

Lick it before you stick it. 

Buy a sex toy. Go on. Treat yourself.

If you want to swipe right on Tinder just for that hookup... SWIPE RIGHT.

And if none of this is for you, that's okay. Be happy.

Didn't I Say Crushes Aren't for Me?

So I haven't said much since I decided to be all bold and shit about being in like with [Lex Luthor]. I mean frankly, what else is there to say on the matter? Not much. But you see, I have been busy being a whiny bitch about whether or not he is thinking about me, what did the other night mean for him, etc. I have gotten on my own last damn nerves; I'm sorry if you're in my immediate vicinity and have to put up with me.

Now that I said that...

It doesn't get the rest of you off the hook.

There are lots of people who talk to me on the daily and read this blog; single people, poly couples, open couples, gay couples, kinksters, etc. That means that you guys, some of you, understand. So here I am. Looking to you for advice. It has been a long damn time since I've not known what to do.

This "crush" or whatever you might prefer to call it has resulted in a self-induced dry spell. There are definitely people that I want to bang, but none of them hold a candle to my interest in him. None of them are fulfilling what I want right now.

And I don't like that.

All because my brain decided to produce an inordinate amount of dopamine for this boy, I have made an ass out of myself by wearing my heart on my sleeve and I haven't had sex in almost two months.

Can you turn these off in your brain? Can you consciously say stop thinking about it (because really that just makes you think about thinking about him)?

I would like for this message from our sponsor to be over so I can return to my regular scheduled programming (until, if ever, he's ready)...if you catch my drift.

Crushes & Why They're Not For Me

I recently read a blog post about crushes that happened to mesh pretty fucking well with thoughts that were already inside this pretty little mind of mine. If by mesh you mean I think that it is totally wrong and I can completely explain why.

The post was about crushes. You know why they're called crushes? Because when they don't work out, your heart is crushed. It is ashes. Mother fucking crumpled and pitiful ashes.  The author of the post says that they believe in the obligation-free crush.

My crush is my own. It's nice if we share a mutual attraction, but even if you show no interest in my pudding-like physical form, I will still hang out with you. This isn't a contract where I will only do nice things for you unless you promise to smooch the hell out of me; no, we are friends, and while my friendship may be laced with a bit of intoxication over the idea of smooching you, I value your actual presence over my daydreams.

This, I can say, is true.

If you truly have the obligation-free crush, this isn't going anywhere. Even the revelation of a mutual attraction may not necessarily lead to hot bedside smoochenatings, as all mature adults understand that "Attraction does not equal automatic coupling." I'm attracted to any number of people who, in a vacuum, would probably warm my nethers...

Alright, this is not true...for me. Actually, it is this point right here that has me so discombobulated over the whole situation that I can't even see crooked because the world is spinning.

First, let me say I prefer to call it like over a crush. Okay, I like  someone. I am in like with someone. I had crushes in fifth grade. Now it is a little more serious.

But I would rather not like anyone. I don't want to be in like. I don't like being in like. It is scary.

I get attracted to a lot of people. Male or female. I can want to fuck as many people as I can handle but that is where I like for it to stay. It is easier for me. Easier for me than what happens when I like someone. In fact, it is such a big deal that I haven't actually liked anyone for nearly 8 years. Not like this. Not in a way that he feels so wonderfully inviting, safe, and like home but these emotions feel dangerous. I feel vulnerable.

I don't like it.

In fact, I can't fucking stand it.

Crushes hurt. Liking people hurts. It isn't beautiful and hopeful like "love". It is raw, confusing, and uncertain. It is a bunch of "Are they thinking about me?" and "Goddamit, I can't stop thinking about them!" with some "Should I look nice? Should I shave my legs? Is this enough cleavage?" thrown in just for added insecurity.

But I will take it all. Because I don't have a choice in the matter.

I know you're probably not reading this, but [Lex Luthor], I like you.

I've Slept with Fat Guys: A Snarky Rant

Yesterday I linked an article on Facebook that was about dating and the effort boys put should put into something when a girl's heart is on the line. But that isn't what this is about. Oh no. That article stirred up a conversation that infuriated me.

Someone commented and said that if I want a guy to buy me a beer, I should "look for the fattest guy at the bar" and I will find all the perfect, chivalrous traits in a guy who would want to buy me "10 beers and ask for nothing in return".

Not only did he generalize that all fat guys are nice guys but he just accused me of being shallow. Slow down puppy, you don't know me. In my experience, I have met assholes, nice guys, and creepers in all shapes, sizes, and colors.

But when it concerns who I date, who I love, and who I fuck it comes down to chemistry and interest. You're wrong if you think I only go for hot bad boys. Get over yourself.

I fuck fat guys, skinny guys, bald guys, hairy guys, geeky guys, smart guys, country guys, tall guys, short guys, submissive guys, dominant guys, quiet guys, loud guys, gingers, high school dropouts, guys with small penises, guys with big penises, older guys and younger guys. Girls could even make this list.

I'm pretty indiscriminate.

And I won't just gloss someone accusing me of otherwise.

Guest Post: You Can Have Your Cake & Eat It Too!

When I left for college, I was about to celebrate my 2 year anniversary with my fiance, who had just turned 21. I moved to a different state to pursue my education. He didn't come. He didn't even go get a driver's license so he could come visit me. But he wanted me to come see him as much as possible and wait in my room for him to call me after classes. 

During my second week of classes, a classmate handed me a flyer for a club meeting. I was interested and excited and that afternoon I told Fiance about the club and how I was going to go. He got really upset and accused me of cheating on him because I wanted to make friends. 

Over the next few weeks, our phone calls started to always end with him upset at me, me upset for him being upset. I started drinking occasionally, causing more fights because he was straight edge. I went home for a weekend and got a tattoo at an appointment I'd made months before. We spent the rest of the weekend arguing. I went back to school, trying to push it all out of my mind.

Within a couple of weeks, I ended up "hooking up" with another guy. I went back home to break up with Fiance in person after several more painful phone calls. He threatened to kill himself. I left anyways. I knew by that point that he'd been manipulating me for a while. I also figured out why he was constantly do jealous of my attentions. He had figured out something about me that no one else had, not even me: I wasn't straight. I love women. And I love men. But really, most of all, I love brains. I adore compassion. I crave wit. And I'm an extremely passionate person. 

Over the next few months, I spent time exploring who I was, who I wanted to be. I knew that I never wanted to feel controlled or trapped in a relationship again. For a while, I thought that meant not being in a relationship at all. I had a FWB and other people to pass the time with, but my FWB made it very clear that he would not be in a relationship with me, even though we cared for each other deeply.

After several months of discovering myself (and my first orgasms!) a friend that I'd met earlier in the school year started spending more time with me. We exchanged comic books and discovered we shared the same favorite author. I began to see him in a different light. We started hanging out at least once a week. I remember the first time we had "the talk". We were standing outside his apartment, smoking cigarettes on the balcony. He had just told me he'd never had an actual girlfriend before, and so I told him about Fiance. I leaned on the railing between sentences, took a drag, and evenly said "I could never be in a relationship with someone who told me I couldn't be with other people. I think monogamy is unnatural and wrong. It's definitely wrong for me." My heart pounding, terrified that I'd just lost this chance at a relationship, let alone our friendship. He sighed in a relieved way. "Me too. The human animal is not inherently monogamous." 

A few weeks later, we had our first date. He made me cum three times that first night.

Image Credit: Relevant Magazine & Stephan Speaks

Reader Response: How Many?

I figured this question was looming somewhere in the minds of readers and it finally surfaced a few days ago and I have what I think is a pretty powerful response.

Today's question was from reader who wishes to remain anonymous:

How many sexual partners have you had?

There are a lot of things that I will answer and that I will put out there for everyone but answering the question about how many partners I have had isn't one of them.

I think that most people let their judgement sides out when people start talking about sex because apparently since I am comfortable with my sexuality and talking about it, I must be a whore.

But really that has nothing to do with anything. Its part of the reason I will not be answering this questions. 1...2...skip a few...99...100. None of that matters.

My goal is to share sex in a safe setting and open people up to their own sexuality. It has been a lot of hard work to be confident and it has required a lot of fuckups and through that experience I want to help other people find this strength. My number doesn't give quality to my experience and it doesn't give anyone anything to "strive" for and therefore it is irrelevant.

Besides, it isn't even something to be sassy about so why fucking bother?

The Things I Fucked Up

I'm 27 and I've never really been too much into the dating scene. I had a really long relationship through college, lost my virginity to him, moved in with him, etc. He and I met on Myspace as locals and it just sort of happened. It wasn't like I got picked up after class or hit on a sporting event it just happened online. It happened pretty quickly in fact.

6 years later we split up and I'm facing the world of first dates. I mean I am sure I will write about those too but for now, let's talk about let me rant about the things I did to fuck up the casual dating scene. Particularly my crash and burn with [The Guy]. What? You thought my awesome twat was enough to sustain that rock star sex? Yeah, me too.

Using the book, Why Men Love Bitches, as a starting point, I have made my own list of What-The-Fuck-Were-You-Thinking-Leila moves (aka Life Lessons) that could save your love (read: sex) life later! For the record, these are in no particular order.

Tried too hard to pursue him
It wasn't like the world revolved around him. I didn't even want to be his girlfriend. I did want to be his friend for the record. But I can say that I probably spammed a little too much in the texts, and I was a little too available for someone who couldn't make much time for me. It added a lot of pressure to a situation that needed to be lax. Life lesson: Remember to just "be". It is to fucking cliche to say go with the flow but really, just let this shit happen.

Gave away the goods
Come on, we all know I slept with him on the first date. Over 1000 people have read What I Learned From Sex on the First Date, so it is no secret. And I will never regret that. Regretting good sex is something you just don't do. But...I put out a lot of stuff the first few rounds we knocked back. Stuff usually saved for way later like period sex or anal sex. Exploration and trying new things. I was even on top! It was wonderful and intense but ultimately left nothing in the bag for surprises. Life lesson: Don't tilt your hand before the end of the game.

Moved into his territory
So he inspired me to try new fucking things...big deal. I went to a bar...by myself. I just happen to roll up into a place where he was already chilling. Now, I bet you're wondering what the big deal is. You see, going to the bar solo is a big deal for me...I may have been a little anxious and stressed while fighting my biggest fear and source of anxiety...ever. So I may have been a little spastic. Maybe. Doesn't mean I am psycho-stalker-bitch. Life lesson: Keep your fucking cool.

Totally Transparent
I made it apparent that I thought he was hott, I was interested, and that he was on my mind quite often. It would be different to think those things but I may have consistently reminded him. I just wanted him to know, I certainly want people to tell me those things. But I couldn't see the line and I am sure I crossed it. My bad. Life lesson: Stay mysterious.

Drunk texts are always bad
It shouldn't have mattered that he insisted on seeing me tipsy texting, my brain just lets it go and I always said things that left me feeling like an apology was needed. This probably isn't the worse thing that someone could do but I ended up rambling about a married, expectant father who was hitting on me in texts and making me uncomfortable. Seriously, not cute and not something I would have talked about with him sober. Life lesson: When you're drunk or too bored, have your best friend hide your phone. Just don't forget to turn the ringer off because then you're like a bloodhound the minute it goes off. Not worth it...believe me.

Each person is inherently different. It is where we get the saying "different strokes for different folks" and that is just how the human experience is supposed to be. However, there can be general things to keep in mind and I think that is the thing to take away from this. If you're a dude, I strongly encourage you to just man up and tell her what is going on in your head. I know it is hard and you're weird and you're awkward but damn, don't be a dick. Girls, we're still human and we're going to screw up. Be prepared to either apologize or slap your sexy boots back and on keep walking. We are always have a lot of questions and what-ifs in life; sex and dating will be one but that isn't the end of everything.

What I Learned from Sex on the First Date

We are all grown up to know that not every date we go on is going to be exactly the same. Some are going to make for great stories because you had to tell the guy your lips weren't chew toys. Some are going to end after one coffee and an awkward handshake. Some will end in explosive orgasms and that is that.

Now whether or not those orgasms come from sex is entirely up to you and the person lucky enough to be spending time with you. You have to admit, you're pretty awesome. But even if it doesn't end in sex, sometimes a grown up just needs to give in to the raging whore-moans and live.

That is exactly what I did.

And I lived on those orgasms for hours.

And when they were gone, I realized the intensity of my situation. I had done the unthinkable...the girl who saved her virginity for 19 years had her pants seduced off and fell right into bed on a first date. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now sometimes you wonder, who reads this, and if he is reading this, its even better. A distinct feeling returns to my loins to think he knows he did a good job.

But this sex...this sex above all the sex I have had, taught me things about myself.

1) #Bootfetish

Who knew I would ever feel as sexy wearing a pair of calf-high boots. The sheer amount of sex appeal that was dropping off me in those boots that elongated my legs and gave me that Mistress feeling was out of this world. It was over 9-fucking-thousand!

The days following this, I wore my boots and my self esteem was through the roof. I also went on boots craze on instagram, sharing the sexy through the inter-nether.

2) I'm Not Shy

Through some pretty stellar conversation, I come to the conclusion that I'm not a shy person. I'm quiet until I know you. It is like innocent until proven guilty but with different repercussions.

The defining moment is when the conversation revealed that shy people don't want attention. I am a mild attention whore. I don't want to be the center of attention but I definitely want some of it. I am loud and I want my opinions heard and I want to be listened to. Believe me, some things were not things someone shy does the first time with a new partner. I mean, whoa!

3) Sex Does NOT Make You Fall in Love

Alright, it isn't like we didn't know this before but really, sex doesn't make you fall in love with someone. It can deepen a connection and it can do all these things to enhance your feelings but I don't just bang someone, roll over for cuddles, look up and think, "Wow, I love you". It is just not a thing that happens.

Girls are capable of just sex. Maybe it is guys that have the problem?

4) Sex Appeal Comes from You

You can have the body of some mythical greek goddess, I certainly don't, but without knowing you are sexy, you just aren't going to be that awesome. I have grown to love my body and love the way it feels and love the way other people feel against it and I know that and I flaunt it.

Finding the right water with a new partner is a little weird and could put you in an awkward spot but when you hit it, feel it and let it consume you. You are sexy and you are about to get laid.

And alright, alright, last one...

5) Sometimes Ya Gotta Do What Ya Gotta Do

I'm a girl who lives with her emotions on her skin and just listens to them at every call. I also know that when I masturbate, it doesn't calm down any sexy nerves, I will still be as horny as a rowdy cowgirl at a rodeo. There was a point break with him where I was so fucking flabbergasted by how hott he was that unless I wanted to spend the next week wet and rowdy, I had to be a "responsible-irresponsible" adult. And so I did.  Best decision ever.