I recently read a blog post about crushes that happened to mesh pretty fucking well with thoughts that were already inside this pretty little mind of mine. If by mesh you mean I think that it is totally wrong and I can completely explain why.
The post was about crushes. You know why they're called crushes? Because when they don't work out, your heart is crushed. It is ashes. Mother fucking crumpled and pitiful ashes. The author of the post says that they believe in the obligation-free crush.
This, I can say, is true.
Alright, this is not true...for me. Actually, it is this point right here that has me so discombobulated over the whole situation that I can't even see crooked because the world is spinning.
First, let me say I prefer to call it like over a crush. Okay, I like someone. I am in like with someone. I had crushes in fifth grade. Now it is a little more serious.
But I would rather not like anyone. I don't want to be in like. I don't like being in like. It is scary.
I get attracted to a lot of people. Male or female. I can want to fuck as many people as I can handle but that is where I like for it to stay. It is easier for me. Easier for me than what happens when I like someone. In fact, it is such a big deal that I haven't actually liked anyone for nearly 8 years. Not like this. Not in a way that he feels so wonderfully inviting, safe, and like home but these emotions feel dangerous. I feel vulnerable.
I don't like it.
In fact, I can't fucking stand it.
Crushes hurt. Liking people hurts. It isn't beautiful and hopeful like "love". It is raw, confusing, and uncertain. It is a bunch of "Are they thinking about me?" and "Goddamit, I can't stop thinking about them!" with some "Should I look nice? Should I shave my legs? Is this enough cleavage?" thrown in just for added insecurity.
But I will take it all. Because I don't have a choice in the matter.
I know you're probably not reading this, but [Lex Luthor], I like you.