Spellbound

I write about all of the BDSM scenes that stand out. I write about the ones I do in public, the ones that change who I am, and the ones that I try for the first time. So why is it that I wouldn't want to write about this one? Why is it that I wouldn't want to write about the one that everyone wanted to ask about?

Because I don't know how it fucking happened.

I simply know that it was.

Don't give me that cynical look like you've never been swept up in a goddamn moment before. I know better. We all have. We all have moments where we look back and say, "How the hell did I end up here?"

I simply know that I was standing and talking to two of my friends at the party and I can't even remember why or what I said that was an off-handed side comment in his general direction. Just that it got his attention.

And then I simply do not know.

I know I was lucid but it was like Bette Midler had strolled up in the bar and cast a spell on me.

I'm sure it had something and everything to do with the way he talked about mental dominance and how the most sadistic thing he could do is stop.

I just know I was terrified of this man. Don't worry, it isn't like this is some big shocking confession, he knew. I remember the shock of finding myself naked. I don't remember the point when everyone else stopped existing and it was our world. And I don't know how I got there. In fact, later it would be explained to me as if he and I were the only ones that mattered, I was in a trance early on.

Then it happened. People came up again to compliment my scene and to tell me how amazing it was to watch. I had forgotten there were people there witnessing it. Each and every time I enter subspace it feels a little more like home and I love to go deeper and deeper still. I want to reach the point to where my very existence feels subliminal like a part of the cosmos. And in a scene where my mind can be given, I might get there someday.

A Place to Call Home

If you can believe it, there are still somethings that frighten me.

My snarky and bullheadedness just leaves and makes way for a girl who is unsure of herself and timid.

I recently found out that there was a swingers club in my town. Of course, in my sexual nature it intrigued me a lot but I wrote it off, thinking that I could never go there. I wouldn't go alone and I surely would find none to go with me.

But then I found the community. I found [Mostly Harmless] and he changed my life.

The "underground" BDSM community that I wanted, that I sought after had been found. It turns out they have lavish parties and meetups and are extremely active yet entirely respectable. I was invited to go to the latest party. I was terrified. I don't like being this girl who doesn't know the ropes and doesn't know what to expect. I don't like being this girl.

So I could have stayed home. I could have been beaten by my own insecurities. But instead, I took my life into my own hands and went to that swingers club for a BDSM lifestyle party. I vaped an entire tank with my vaporizer. I looked like a lost puppy. But it was worth it. I walked into the most erotic scenes of my life. This is a turning point. I feel it.

I had to tell myself again that you can't change your stars without hard work. Exploring your sexuality can be scary and it can be intimidating but I encourage you to do it. Be heteroflexible, be spanked, be tied, be anything you fucking want!

Subspace Nine

Sometimes you have to allow your sexual journey to flow. Or sometimes you have to grab it by the balls and say I'm going to get laid. It was more the latter of those choices when I decided to say yes and get together with [Mostly Harmless].

This meeting though was about a little more than just sex. I was willing and actively seeking to engage in some S&M. I wanted to submit to someone. I wanted to put my body in their hands. I wanted to be punished. And it started with this, a line so dominating in its simplicity, and I was his:


 The next person who shall make you cum is me.And no other. Yourself included.


I didn't know what to do.

I was not scared. But I was nervous. I was lost.

That was when I showed up wearing only my too-short dress, my leather boots, and a willing attitude.

He taught me about safety. He explored my body. And my dominant side shut the fuck up. She let him take her.

And it went that I was whipped. I was spanked, paddled, and flogged. My flesh pricked and teased.

I have never had such a more blissful experience.

That's when I learned about subspace.

In a D/s relationship, [subspace is a] very special place the submissive enters when he/she totally trusts his/her Dominant, and totally immerses in an intense scene. The sub may not be capable of making rational decisions about his/her safety and well-being at this point. It is the responsibility of the Dom to provide for the welfare of his/her sub, as he/she has trusted him to do. It is also the Dom's responsibility after the scene to help the sub to return to "vanilla space" after the scene. This entails providing both physical and emotional assurance to the sub, until he/she regains his/her sense of self, and is known as, "aftercare".

It had been so long since someone had cared about my experience instead of what was just between my legs that I was drunk on endorphins. I let my soul connect to the pain and beat some of the negativity out of me. And when he introduced me to a wartenberg wheel, I had found a simple addiction. It was the was the same high that I would get from a tattoo needle sawing across my flesh.

I couldn't think straight. I couldn't SEE straight. And I was loud.

And as we lay there, waiting for my sanity to bring me back to reality I was warm, cuddled, and petted. We talked and touched and slowly the world came back but I was exhausted, beyond empty.

It was the most sexually satisfied I've ever been without having intercourse and I see the beauty in that. I can't even be sassy about it because I left her at home. That night was about the other side of me and that is okay, too.

Further Down the Rabbit Hole

I have a lot of interesting fetishes. I love exploring who I am and what I enjoy. But I recently uncovered that if sexuality were a swimming pool, while I've done more than get my feet wet, I'm still toeing the shallow end of sex and fetishes and there is a lot more to go.

What I thought I knew:
I am a Dom/sub (D/s) Switch who wants bondage, biting, choking, and to explore pegging...while wearing boots.

What I realized was that I don't really know anything.

I also know now that things are about to get steamy around here.

First of all, I don't live the lifestyle. In a lot of D/s relationships, it is a complete lifestyle choice and they live it when they can inside and outside of the bedroom. I don't do that. I will be a strong and independent women outside in the real world while maybe I like to have someone spank me behind closed doors. Or maybe I want to bend a man over, and make him mine in every way. But that is still behind closed doors. That makes all the difference.

For everything else, it is overwhelming to fall into a world where things are very niche. And everything is made into acronyms. AB/DL (Adult Baby/Diaper Lover), CD TV (Cross Dressing Transvestite, DDF (Disease & Drug Free), and those are only the ones that I have had to figure out for myself. Some of them are self-explanatory, some of them are things that I didn't know were things, some are just interesting.

But it is all beautiful. Completely overwhelming and beautiful. People being exactly who they want to be.

A lot of people that I have the pleasure of talking to have these fetishes but are embarrassed by them and have trouble talking about them. I'm here to help. I want to tell you I don't have judgments and I'm not critical. I'm a freak, too. 

I cannot wait to explore this and continue talking about fetishes with the people that have them.

Image Credit: Suzi9mm

Braving the Waters: Trying Something New

It's totally alright for me to admit that I am 27 years old and I am coming into my own sexuality and I really have just embraced that I have a vulgar disposition and love to talk about raunchy things and be perverse and breakdown the barriers of talking about sex!

And I couldn't be having more fun doing it. Because you guys have been so great in accepting my weird and personal stories. You've had so much support to offer each other and such wonderful compliments.

But let me tell you what still gets to me. The fact that people want to hear about the intimate details of my sex life. It is an erotic feeling to just hang my dirty laundry in the front yard for everyone to see. So I will share something extremely intimate. Provocative and terrifying at the same time.

I had to try something new. 

Are you let down? Was that not the awesome thing you were expecting? Let me assure you that trying something new with a new partner can be humiliating. It can go disastrously wrong and it takes a hell of a lot of ovaries (or balls if you're so penisishly inclined) to fucking go for it. Usually, it is always going to be worth it even if you don't like it. If you don't enjoy it, now you know.

Let me set the scenario for you. You've been scrolling some PornHub or YouPorn when you come across a whole new idea that you have never seen. Before you realize it you're watching the whole sub-genre and can't contain your loins. Then comes the "WTF? What is this I don't even..." moment. Then comes the realization that you're really into it.

I've been here. I've been in that exact same spot.

My fetish? Pegging.

Go ahead. Blush. I am. I'm laying this bare so you can see how we have all truly been there. But if you're thinking that I am going to tell you I have tried pegging...not quite. But baby steps.

I finally have found a partner in [The Guy] that has green-lighted anal play. I've been intrigued by this but when it came up, I turned weird shades of red and hid my face because it was hard to look at him in that moment. In a moment that wasn't for him but put me in a place where I was ready to crawl into a ball and felt like the virgin I kind of was. Did I mention I wanted to curl up into a ball?

Here I was being all sexy and shit and being enticed to try something new and was terrified. Terrified of hurting him, terrified of being terrible, but so turned on.

Do you want to know the key factor in the ultimate success of trying something new? Communication.

In the middle of everything, I stopped, took a breath and asked him if he was comfortable being my guinea pig. Yeah, I said guinea pig in bed. Big deal. I told him I was nervous and scared and totally new. His response was exactly what it should have been. Supportive and guiding and ultimately led to a great experience for the both of us.

When it is all said and done, I think we all have to tell ourselves "Hell yeah, just go for it" and do it. If you're thirsty for new experiences remember you can only go so long without something to drink.

For your further benefit, I found this video about milking the prostate. Here. Laugh.

My Body | My Temple

This is hands down the hardest thing to overcome because no one can do it but you. Anyone can tell you're beautiful (you are, by the way) but only you can believe it.

It is no big secret that I am a Big Beautiful Woman (BBW for you fetishists in the making). I'm 5'11 and somewhere on the spectrum towards the 300 lbs end (Holy Shit! I just put that out there!). I struggle with a lot of things when it comes to my appearance. I have had a terrible complexion all my life. I wear glasses. I have stick-straight, thin hair. And I am sure I could keep going on and on about the things I know are wrong with my body compared to society's view of beauty. And ya know what, it took a lot of time and a lot of bad days to look at my body and feel sexy.

But I did it.

I'm not going to pretend that it was easy. I'm not going to pretend that when I looked in the mirror while hugging [The Guy] naked, my appearance didn't catch me a little off guard. But those moments, are quick and fleeting before I really see me again and think something along the lines of "Oh yeah, I'm smokin' hott". I want you to be there, too. I want you to see how beautiful you are; I want this for everyone.

Let me share with you some things that I found helped me. I hope it does some good.

Look at your body!
Really look at it and do it often. Stand in front of a mirror and take it all in. It might be uncomfortable but don't cover yourself from your own eyes. You know what you are on the inside, see it and know the outside.

Sleep naked and touch your body!
You need to feel comfortable without your clothes, without that barrier between your body and someone's eyes. And when you touch your body, learn the way it feels. Know the way it feels under your hands. Know the places you want your partner to touch.

Be a selfie whore!
It is the only way I ever got used to all of me. Yes, there are going to be bad pictures but there are also going to be great ones. This helps you play with angles and lighting and really learn to capture a sexy you that you are willing to put out there for others to enjoy.

Wear a Shirt of Confidence!
Your hottest outfit should be your own skin!

You don't have to be a rockstar who puts her not-porn-but-sexy photos out there for the world to see, but I will tell you you deserve to do that if you want to. You deserve the right to feel that sexy. Because we all do.

Introverted Contradiction

Even the snarkiest bitches can honestly have trouble talking to people. The place that I find myself these days is just a walking contradiction of my closeted self on the front lines of battle with the known self. The extrovert vs. the introvert.

The Extrovert
I want to do ALL THE THINGS! Somewhere inside me, in the place the sun never touches, I have developed a thirst to try new experiences. Its always been there, but it hasn't always been as obvious as it is now. Its pretty much at the level I imagine a boy with a raging boner in the middle of class is at: fucking obvious. And it is totally clashing with everything that has previously been my "nature". Damn, I know people change but it is like I don't know where the old me ends and the new Leila beings.  Old me is (read: always has been)...

The Introvert
I mean up until very recently, I would have even identified as shy. It seems it is not so much shy as it is a form of social anxiety and claustrophobia of large crowds. I have to be able to admit this if I am ever going to overcome it and I don't want to be held back by panic attacks and quiet attitudes. Hell, my attitude is anything but quiet these days. And that is what is resulting in...

The Battle
Fuck! I really just want to ask a boy out without having 4+ drafted text messages. I should just be able to say "Hey, lets hang out" but that just isn't happening. It's more like Hi, I have some free time  Hey, I would really like to  Hey, wanna hang and the list just goes on!

Dammit what is so hard about the chick asking the dick to hang? So what if it is to hang out with his wang out? It doesn't matter, I'm still struggling to figure it out.

And to top it off, I'm not a loner party and that means that my extrovert is at a severe disadvantage when trying to raise its pretty head.

Which leaves me thinking: How do I fix this fucking problem? I'm sick of living my life by labels that don't define me anymore. We really all need to fight against labels and take charge of the lives we want to live.

And that time is now.