I don't know if ti was the years of barely orgasms, the beaten confidence, or the constant thoughts that if I pleased him it would make him want me, but time has turned me into a flawed lover.This isn't about the skeletons in my closet because they're no fun. This is about my overwhelming desire and craving for pleasure to belong to me. A deep, intimate acknowledgement of my greed and selfishness as a lover.
None of us are perfect. Sorry to break that news to you.
But part of owning yourself, being confident, and loving your own sexuality is acknowledging that small truth.
Strive to be awesome, not perfect.
I've grown fond of the idea that my first time with a partner needs to be about me. If you want me to be with you 100% I need to gauge you in my own way. How do you respect a simple request? How do you feel about a woman who knows what she wants? Are you just in this for the quickest lay? These are all hints and ideas that I pick up from having my partners please me for the first time.It also serves to make me very comfortable with a partner once they've seen, tasted, and prodded my body and they want to come back. In that weird, symbiotic way, it makes me a better lover, too.
But that is not the only way I'm selfish (or flawed). You see, I'm also severely undisciplined. In the throws of pleasure and ecstasy, I am very erratic. I get over eager sometimes. Sometimes I get scared. Sometimes I am in real pain. Sometimes I can't stand or see straight.
That is when my partner gets the short end of the stick. And I am sorry for it. You did well but please help me. This is the moment where trust is built. Where the vulnerable reaches out and you lay the foundation for this thing between us. I don't want to keep taking from you but I will keep asking. Because after 20 years, I finally give a damn about myself.
Image Credit: Dahlig
THIS IS amazing. I love how you have a voice and a word for things I feel.
ReplyDeleteVery intense subject matter on this one. This is one situation I never encountered being an only child, but my wife was in fact molested by her father, instead of creating a life time scar it manifested into a Daddy/little kink which is still strong today, this is definitely a subject matter that one has to be secure in all of their views to participate in the conversation of and even more secure to admit it to another person outside of the situation.
ReplyDeletemy hat is off to your friend.
Worst experience had to be an extended period of time, over a 3 year period from my first time until the point in time that I met my wife, I had been with women, but for one reason or another I could not finish, even after several hours of being at it. It always ended the same way, they had several orgasms and were thoroughly tired and I hadn't even felt the urge. Imagine my shock when I had my first orgasm from actually having sex, it was still several hours (started at 1 AM and finished between 7 and 8 AM) but it happened and she screamed and I was never the same again.
ReplyDeleteThere have been a number (not many) of times that I just KNEW I was not going to get off. Honestly, I don't even care most times. I just like to enjoy the ride. And there have been times when my partner was unable to rise to the game or to finish. I think he feels worse about it than I do. It's more about the journey for me (generally ;) ).
ReplyDeleteThank you <3
ReplyDelete